Desha's Reno of the Turks Fan Fiction

Chapter 66: Grief

Three days.

He’d arrived late that first night… Veld’s arrangements had only gotten him as far as the island nation itself. He’d had to find his own transportation to the family estate. It was a remote place, quite some distance from the larger villages and surrounded mainly by farms on one side and mountains on the other. The nearest village was a quarter day’s walk. It was a beautiful place to grow up.

He wished his return had been under happier circumstances.

His mother had welcomed him home with tears… his father with stony silence. It was more than clear that he blamed him. Tseng was supposed to have been his sister’s protector, and he had failed completely. Da Chou help him when his father learned the full truth…

Two of his older brothers – the eldest, Hisao, and the third eldest, Jian – and Koto, the youngest of the Itsudake boys, had already been there as well, and he had no doubt the others were on their way by then. He should have told them then what had happened. What had really befallen Mayu. But he was a coward… He feared that if they knew, his father would bar him from attending the funeral. And so he’d held his tongue for three long days.

He’d come dangerously close to breaking that silence this morning when he saw his sister reduced to nothing but cold ash and bone inside a simple urn, painted with cherry blossoms – Mayu’s favorite – as it was placed reverently inside the family crypt. He’d forced himself to be silent, however. It wasn’t right to interrupt her burial for his own need to confess.

Now, though… now there was little excuse. The rituals were over and done with, the mourners had returned home. It was just his own family now, alone in their loss and sadness. And he was about to compound that sadness.

It was just after six in the evening. The rain had started an hour ago and hadn’t stopped since, and they were gathered around the dinner table blanketed in a thick silence. The delicious aroma of his mother’s cooking seemed strangely out of place with the somber mood.

It had been a long time since Tseng had taken a seat at his family’s traditional little chabudai. The short-legged table still bore the many nicks and scratches inflicted upon it by years of young boys waging silent war over meals the moment their parents’ backs were turned on them. He ran his thumb along one notably deep scratch along the outer edge and tried to recall what might have done such damage… but there were so many memories. It was impossible to pinpoint which one corresponded with that particular mark.

It was time he told them.

“Father… There is something you need to know about… what happened in Midgar.” He’d intended to say ‘Mayu’s death’. It was always best to be absolutely direct with his father, rather than hedge around an issue. But the words were simply too painful to form.

“Speak up, Tseng,” the man commanded him, “And look at me when you do.”

He hadn’t even realized he’d dropped his gaze. He obeyed without question, meeting the older man’s eyes. He knew. Dear Leviathan, he already knew. Not the specifics, of course… but he knew Tseng had been hiding something. His resolve very nearly faltered, but he forced himself to continue. It would only be harder later if he bowed to his own cowardice now.

“It… was my fault,” he began. “I allowed it to happen.”

“Tseng… There was no way you could have known,” his mother said, gently, reaching for his hand. He pulled away from her.

“I did know, Mother,” he confessed, and swallowed sharply against the sudden thickness in this throat. “The attack on the train station that killed Mayu… was intended to prevent a far worse attack. Shinra attacked the station themselves to stop Wutaiian mercenaries from destroying an entire sector.”

“You knew,” his father said coldly, “And you did nothing?”

“I didn’t know she would be there,” Tseng replied. “But… I also didn’t warn her not to be there. I was under orders. There was to be no communication until after the attack.”

“Oh, Tseng…” his mother gasped, and he couldn’t be sure if it was in horror or in pity. Perhaps it was both. His brothers seemed to share her feelings, but could only watch, wordlessly.

“That… is not the worst of my sins, however,” he continued, finding that he could no longer hold his father’s gaze. His fingers clenched his knees as he knelt on the soft cushion at the table. “I was the one who recommended the attack. It… was the only way to save thousands.”

A silence hung heavily over the table for several seconds.

“To save thousands… at the price of your own sister’s life!” his father suddenly thundered, rising to his feet. He closed the distanced between himself and Tseng in a few short strides. “My daughter’s life!”

His fist closed around the collar of Tseng’s shirt, and the Turk suddenly found himself sprawled on the wooden floor several feet away from where he’d been sitting.

“Hiro, please! Stop this!” he heard his mother cry. Tseng looked up at his father, and could see the rage in his eyes. “Please… I have already lost one child!”

And he did stop, though little else changed. He simply stood there, looming ominously over his son.

“Wutai will make Shinra pay. That company has corrupted you beyond redemption and I will not have you. Get out of my house,” he demanded. “Get out and never return!” Hiro Itsudake turned his back on Tseng and angrily stormed out of the room. “You are no longer my son!”

Tseng watched as four of his five brothers… all save the youngest… stood and followed their father out. When they were gone, his mother came to him, kneeling beside him as she gathered him into her arms and sobbed.

---

The pouring rain seemed somehow appropriate as he made his way down the muddy dirt road. He felt dead inside.

He hadn’t lingered, lest the reprieve from what likely would have ended in his death that his father had granted him be rescinded. He had only stayed long enough to retrieve his bag, and kiss his mother goodbye… quite likely for the last time. He had no illusions that his father’s fury would fade with time. He would never be taken back.

His brothers had refused to see him off… all but Koto, who seemed to understand the nature of his sacrifice better than the others, even if he didn’t agree with it. He’d told him that he, at least, could forgive… in time. He wasn’t sure if the others shared that sentiment.

His mother had cried. Then she had given him a bag of food for his trip home. And then she had cried some more and hugged him and kissed him before finally taking her youngest son back inside. She had already forgiven… because she was his mother. But he was lost to her now, and they both knew it.

The house had long since faded into the distance, and Tseng could see the outline of the nearest village through the veil of pouring rain. It was late, and he was tired. There was a small inn there, he knew, with a warm, dry bed. It would suffice for the night. He would decide upon his next move in the morning.

The only thing he was certain of now was that he didn’t want to return to Midgar. Not yet. He couldn’t bear it yet. He wasn’t entirely certain he ever could.

---

Reno groaned as he forced himself off of the couch and made his way across the room to open the door in response to the loud knocking that had interrupted his gaming session. Truth be told, he was kind of glad. He’d been at it all afternoon. He could use a break, and every time he stopped playing his games and turned on the TV, all anyone was talking about was the coming war and the Shinra negotiations that were a last ditch, and probably futile, effort to prevent it. It was depressing.

“Hey,” he said, upon seeing his visitor. Rude held up a large travel container.

“I brought food,” he replied. The redhead smirked and shuffled painfully off to one side to let him in. “Still sore?”

“Tch… Ya know, the fuckin’ incision’s only like two inches long, and it still feels like if I move wrong, my guts are gonna fall out,” he groused, to which Rude chuckled.

“Thanks for that visual right before dinner… Go sit down before you disembowel yourself.”

Reno made his way back to the couch. This was becoming a bit of a routine by now. For the past two days, he’d been on bed rest, under strict orders to move as little as possible. He’d opted to camp out in his living room, as it gave him easier access to the kitchen, the TV, and his video games, and also made the walk to answer the door on occasion a lot shorter. Rude had decided that, since his friend was laid up, someone needed to make sure he was fed, and so he’d been bringing food for dinner and the next day over after work and seemed intent on doing so until the redhead could fend for himself again.

“Ya know… you don’t have to do this…” he called back to him, wincing as he eased himself down onto the cushions and tried to settle back into a comfortable position. “You could go out instead. Maybe find someone to take home for the night?”

Rude didn’t answer right away, emerging a moment later with two plates in hand. He set one on Reno’s coffee table, and carried the other over to his own seat at the far end of the couch, leaving his friend room to stretch out if he needed to.

“Come on, Rude… you gotta put yourself back out there sometime. She’s not comin’ back.”

“… I know,” Rude replied. “I’m just not ready yet.”

Reno shook his head, and decided to drop it. At least the guy wasn’t sitting around alone, hoping his ex-girlfriend would magically show up and take him back. Still, though… Tres was right. He was still seriously hung up on her, as though he were afraid that he’d never find someone he liked as well as Margaret. But that was a discussion for another time… Reno didn’t much feel like talking about relationships at the moment, either.

But he still had to ask.

“… Has anyone heard from Tseng yet?”

Rude shook his head. “Remy’s been trying to get ahold of him, but she just gets his voicemail. Veld thinks he probably shut his phone off.”

Reno sighed and picked up his plate, taking a bite. Tilapia and grilled asparagus. Had he been in a slightly better mood, that might have made him smile. It was the first thing Rude had ever cooked for him, and it was just as delicious now as it had been then.

“He’ll call,” Rude reassured him, “When he’s ready, he’ll call.”

“… I hope so,” the redhead said softly. He was still fearful that Tseng was gone for good… and knowing that he was completely out of contact, even with Veld, did nothing to assuage those fears. He shook his head, and tried to banish that thought, though he had only limited success. “What about the whole Wutai thing? Anything on that front?”

“Just what’s been all over the news. We’re making it as public as we feasibly can, to keep public sentiment on our side. Shinra sent in a team to negotiate directly with Godo. Sent a few people from SOLDIER with them. No one seems real confident, though.”

Reno sighed and shifted slightly, and had to bite back a yelp of pain.

“You okay?” Rude asked.

“Tch… yeah. Just hurts every fuckin’ time I move. It’s gettin’ better, though.”

“You should probably ask Dr. Ward to up the dosage of your pain meds. You’d be a lot more comfortable.”

“… Yeah. I kinda haven’t really been takin’ those,” the redhead hesitantly admitted. After what had happened at the hospital, he didn’t trust that shit as far as he could throw it. Rude choked on the bite of fish he’d just taken.

“You haven’t been taking anything for the pain?”

Reno shrugged. “Well… aspirin. I mean, sure, it doesn’t get rid of it, but it takes the edge off…”

“… Are you out of your mind?” his friend asked, disbelievingly. The redhead glared at him.

“I can handle a little pain. I’m not takin’ that shit. I don’t ever wanna feel the way I felt in the hospital again. Ever.”

“Ward wouldn’t have given them to you if she thought they’d hurt you,” Rude replied, shaking his head. “You’re just making yourself suffer for no reason.”

“Better than freakin’ the hell out for no reason,” he stated, decisively, “Look… the doc didn’t know what that other shit would to to me ’til it was too late. How the fuck’s she know what this new shit’s gonna do? Not worth the risk, man…”

Rude sighed and set his plate down on the coffee table. “Where is it?”

Reno stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’ll stay and make sure you’re okay. Otherwise I’m calling Ward and ratting you out again.”

“Tch… why the fuck’s it any of your business, anyway?” he replied, scowling.

“…”

“Fine. They’re in the fuckin’ bathroom,” Reno grudgingly admitted. Rude snickered loudly and stood up.

“You’re an annoying pain in the ass when you’re hurting, you know that?” He crossed the room, slipping into Reno’s bedroom and then into the bathroom beyond. Reno glared in his general direction for a few minutes until he finally emerged again, holding the little bottle of pills.

“Knew I shoulda tossed ’em…” he muttered as his fellow rookie consulted the label and then shook two capsules into the palm of his hand.

“We doing this the easy way or the hard way?” the older rookie asked, raising an eyebrow. Reno rolled his eyes and held his hand out with a sigh. At least Rude would be here if something went horribly wrong.

“Seriously… why the fuck do you care if I’m drugged up or not?” he grumbled before he shoved them in his mouth and chased them with a gulp of soda.

“Because I care about you,” said Rude, “And if you’re not going to take care of yourself, I guess I’ll just have to do it for you. Now finish your dinner.”

“Tch… and you say I’m the annoying pain in the ass…”

---

For the next two weeks, Tseng stayed in Wutai, keeping to himself, moving from village to village, inn to inn. He wasn’t sure where he was going. Hell, half the time, he was barely even aware of which direction he was going.

Away.

That was the only destination he ever had in mind. Away from his father’s house… away from Midgar… away from Shinra. Just… away. News of rising tensions between his homeland and Shinra, and the futile negotiations they were attempting with Lord Godo, greeted him just about everywhere he stopped. It wasn’t until he eventually found himself on Wutai’s northernmost peninsula that he realized that he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

It was cooler here, being much farther north than the rest of the island nation. He himself had grown up far to the south, where summers were very nearly tropical and spring time gave an early taste of the approaching heat. But here, spring was barely even starting. The mornings still had a hint of frost in the air and the nights remained chilly, even though the sun warmed everything it touched during the day with a promise of warmer weather soon to come.

Today, though, there was no sun to speak of. Just cold gray skies and drizzling rain. At first, Tseng had welcomed the unpleasant weather. It had seemed to fit his mood. But it was starting to wear on him now. He stood on the stony beach, looking out across the waves. It looked like another storm was coming in… and for the first time in weeks he wished he weren’t returning to a lonely room at an out of the way inn tonight. A person could only tolerate so much solitude.

Were he in Midgar, Veld would almost certainly have something to say about that. The man occasionally remarked that he’d seen so much loss in his time with Shinra, that he moved through the stages of grief faster than anyone he knew. Tseng vaguely wondered what he’d have to say about his progress.

He’d shot straight through denial and then anger within the first few hours after being informed of Mayu’s death. He seemed to have skipped the bargaining stage, however… though Veld had once mentioned to him that guilt fell into that category as well… and he certainly had plenty of that right now.

He supposed that just left depression before he finally reached acceptance. Did wandering aimlessly in the most desolate parts of one’s homeland qualify as depression? Perhaps he was somewhere in between the third and fourth stages. He had his doubts about acceptance, though.

Oh, he could easily accept many things. He accepted that Mayu’s death had been entirely his fault. He accepted that he absolutely could have prevented it. He accepted that his blind loyalty to a cold and uncaring company was the root cause of his poor choices. None of that brought him any comfort, however. He was still very much grieving for his sister.

Mayu may have been his younger sister… but she was instrumental in making Tseng the person he’d become. At least before Shinra had gotten their hands on him. He’d doted on her from her very first moments. He’d been nine when she was born, and had fallen under her spell the moment he laid eyes on her. They all had. His parents, his brothers, his cousins… but it was Tseng who quickly became her favorite.

As an infant, he’d been able to soothe her when even her own mother could not. When she grew older, she wanted to do everything he did, and he… he had adored having her as his shadow. Even when his friends teased him for letting her follow him around like a puppy. They had been inseparable, right up until he left for Midgar… and even then, their bond had remained, strong as ever.

She had been such a beautiful person. Kind and caring, sometimes to a fault. The type who would rescue a wounded bird and nurse it until it could fly again, or sit with it until the end came so it wouldn’t be alone. So full of life and hope and dreams. She had wanted to see the world… but she’d barely had time to see little more than her homeland. It simply wasn’t fair. She didn’t deserve this.

It took him a moment to realize that the wetness on his face wasn’t from the rain. It took him several more to realize that he didn’t want to stay here in Wutai without her another day.

---

“Welcome back!” a voice greeted him, and Reno suddenly found himself caught in a tight hug as Cissnei ambushed him the moment he stepped off the elevator. The redhead grinned.

“Geez… Ya miss me or somethin’?” he asked. The other rookie released him and smiled.

“Nope. We’ve just been saddled with endless paperwork after Sector 3 and guess who’s been stuck doing most of it…” she teased, “I might finally get some relief now that you’re back!”

“Oh, terrific,” Reno groaned. Rookies always got the shit jobs. Plus, even though, after just shy of two weeks of taking it easy, he felt great… he was on light duty until Ward officially cleared him. Unfortunately, that meant that if there was paperwork to be filled out and filed, he’d inevitably be assigned to do it.

Still… it was good to be back. He’d been starting to go a little stir crazy at home, even with Rude and Remy visiting him daily to make sure he was still alive… and several of the others dropping in on occasion as well.

Cissnei walked with him to his office, and lingered for a moment. The redhead eyed her somewhat suspiciously.

“You waitin’ on somethin’?” he asked. The other rookie’s face took on a vaguely deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression and she hurriedly shook her head.

“O-oh… no. No, no, no… I just… um…” she stammered awkwardly, “You… don’t happen to know when Rude’s going to be in, do you? I had a question for him. About some of the intelligence reports I’m helping him and Tres catalog.”

Reno raised a curious eyebrow. “Probably pretty soon… I got here a little earlier than I usually do. Couldn’t wait to get out of my apartment. You want me to tell him you’re lookin’ for him?”

“Er… Don’t worry about it. It’s not urgent. I’ll run into him today, sooner or later,” she replied, dismissively, “I’ll see you at the briefing!”

With that, she ducked out of the office, leaving her fellow rookie slightly bemused. He shrugged it off, and settled himself at his desk before logging into the company intranet and checking to see if he’d missed anything interesting while he’d been out. The answer was a resounding no… unless by ‘interesting’ one meant construction schedules and a note that the pool was being cleaned this week and was thus closed.

“Good morning,” a voice addressed him from the door as he was skimming through a memo reminding employees that smoking was forbidden in the building… and that the rule also applied the roof. He smirked. He was guilty of that himself… and knew several other people who were, too. Apparently someone had gotten caught. He turned to the door and spotted Remy.

“Hey,” he replied.

“Ready to get back to work?” she asked.

“Heh… well, soon as I head down to Medical for the all-clear, I guess. Got somethin’ for me already?”

“Actually… yes, as a matter of fact. But first, Veld would like to speak to you privately.”

The redhead swallowed sharply. He didn’t typically get summoned to the Turk leader’s office for a one on one meeting… and his first thought was that there must be news about Tseng. His mentor had seldom been far from his mind for the past couple of weeks. No one had heard from him. No one knew where he was… if he was still in Wutai, or if he’d returned to Midgar and simply hadn’t told anyone… or if he was somewhere else entirely.

“Did… he mention was it was about?”

Remy shook her head. “Just that he wanted a word as soon as you came in today.”

Reno sighed softly and got to his feet. “Better not keep the boss waitin’, then…”

He brushed past the senior Turk and made his way down the hallway and around the corner to the Turk leader’s office. The door stood open, and Veld looked up as soon as Reno appeared in the doorway.

“Reno… Come in, please,” he said, gesturing for him to join him. The rookie slipped inside, closing the door behind him and took a seat in front of the man’s desk.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” the redhead replied, somewhat nervously. A part of him wondered if Veld was annoyed with him for taking so much time off. His sudden illness had come at a very inconvenient time, and he knew that his absence was a strain on the rest of the team.

“Remy tells me that you’ve been worried about Tseng,” he continued. “I… am as well. I haven’t spoken to him, but I did receive word last night from an old friend in Wutai that he’s safe and about as well as can be expected. I thought it might make you feel a bit better to know that, at least.”

The rookie relaxed in his seat. “Yes, sir… that’s good to hear.”

“He left early this morning,” Veld added, “I’m not certain of his destination… I can only hope he’s on his way back to Midgar. Should I hear anything further, I’ll let you know.”

“Thank you,” the rookie breathed, grateful. Veld waved his hand dismissively.

“I know how worried you must be. He’s your mentor, after all. Believe me, I share your concern.” He leaned forward, elbows resting on the desktop. “Reno… if it gets to be too much… please know that you can come and speak to me. I do understand. Tseng was my first rookie, and only a few years older than you when I first met him. I know how deep that bond runs.”

The redhead shifted uncomfortably, but nodded, and Veld chuckled quietly. “But I have a feeling you’d be more comfortable talking to someone like Rude… or perhaps Saya. Just know that I won’t turn you away if you do come to me.”

“Thanks,” Reno replied.

“You can go. Report to Medical before the morning briefing and see if that harpy of a doctor you and Tseng are so fond of will clear you yet. If she does, Luca could use your help in the field. Otherwise, I’m afraid you’ll be joining the other rookies on filing duty.”

“… Oh, dear Ifrit, please let her clear me…” Reno moaned.

---

Lieutenant Commander Viridia Nacelle made her way slowly back to her quarters. It had been a very long day. A fresh class of new recruits for the materia corps had arrived, and she was tasked with evaluating their skill levels. Training was being fast tracked. If Wutai decided not to surrender to Shinra, they would be needed on the front lines, and there was a nervous energy that had begun to spread through the ranks.

That, combined with her duties in the security office had made for a very busy afternoon, and she was glad that her duty shift was finally over. She was going to lock herself in her quarters, put on some music, and just… relax.

Those plans were immediately derailed the moment she stepped inside and she discovered that her quarters were already occupied. She almost didn’t recognize her unexpected guest immediately, he was so disheveled.

“Tseng?” she queried in surprise. Her lover raised his eyes to meet hers, and she saw in them a level of misery that she could hardly begin to fathom.

“I’m sorry for turning up unannounced,” he replied, his voice breaking slightly, “I… didn’t know where else to go.”

~end chapter 66~