Desha's Reno of the Turks Fan Fiction

It was one of his relatively rare days off. That is to say, it was a day off that had officially been designated as such. No making up fake illnesses or pretending to mourn the passing of a dear friend no one had ever heard of until now… Nope, he had the whole day to sit around doing – or not doing – whatever he felt like, and no one could nag him about it. Not even Tseng.

Reno grinned at his disheveled reflection in the mirror. It was a quarter to noon, and just minutes ago he’d finally dragged his butt out of bed, leaving the comfort of the sheets – still warm from his own body heat – and heading for the comfort of the couch in front of his television. Lounging in nothing but a pair of black silk boxers, he propped his feet up on the coffee table and flipped through the channels.

“This is the life,” he declared to his empty apartment as he flipped back and forth between a cheesy porno and the twenty-four hour cartoon channel, trying to decide which was better. He grabbed a half-eaten slice of pizza from the box that had been sitting on the floor since dinner last night, munching happily as he alternated between the well-endowed, over-acting blonde woman moaning on one channel, and the singing chocobos doing the conga on another. He finally settled on the chocobos. So engrossed was he was the animated critters, he almost didn’t hear the knock at his apartment door… Almost.

“Damn. That better not be anyone from work,” he muttered, as he dropped to the floor in search of a pair of pants. He’d already once had the unpleasant experience of answering the door in nothing but his underwear, only to come face to face with Heideggar. That was one experience he didn’t care to repeat. He shuddered at the memory as he peered underneath the couch, thrusting a hand into the dark space when he found he couldn’t see anything. A few moments of running his hand over mysterious objects that were fuzzy, pointy… and in one case, possibly moving… he finally found what he was looking for.

“Gotcha,” he said, dragging his favorite jeans out from their hiding place. The knock sounded again with annoying urgency, and Reno quickly headed for the door, pulling his pants on as he went… and tripping as he did so, ending up sprawled across the floor, facedown. Another knock came, and this time someone called his name. The soft feminine voice was muffled by the door.

“Coming!” Reno replied, his response equally as muffled by the carpet. He dragged himself to his feet, zipping his pants, and at last reaching the door in not nearly as good a mood as he’d been in a few minutes ago.

He yanked open the door, and his good mood was instantly restored by the sight of a beautiful young woman, her long brown hair falling around her shoulders in soft waves. She was dressed in a tight-fitting black dress that accentuated her every curve to perfection while still giving her a professional appearance. Deep, violet eyes gazed at him as a smile graced the woman’s lips. Reno grinned back, deciding that this day was just getting better and better.

“Hi Reno,” she said in a honey-sweet voice.

“Hey Veronica… Something I can do for you?” he responded, leaning casually against the doorframe. Veronica had moved into the apartment two doors down less than a week ago… Naturally Reno had made a point of introducing himself to such a lovely neighbor right away. ‘I knew she wouldn’t wait long to come see me,’ he thought smugly.

“Well, since you ask… I was hoping you could do me a tiny little favor…” said Veronica, the smile never leaving her face.

“Love to… just name it,” Reno replied. Had he not been so distracted by her perfect little smile and *very* attractive figure, he might have had the presence of mind to ask what said favor was before agreeing to it…

“Oh, I just knew you were a sweetheart,” she said, and she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before turning toward her own apartment, and calling, “Mitzy! Alex! Cedric! Daniel!”

Reno was about to ask what was going on, when the door of Veronica’s apartment opened and four children clambered into the hallway.

“My sister’s visiting with her kids and she’s out shopping… I just got called into the office – some kind of emergency – and I certainly can’t take them with me… Now don’t worry, they’re no trouble at all and I’ll be back in three or four hours. Five at the most. Alex is allergic to chocolate, so don’t let him have any. If Cedric and Daniel start fighting, just put them in separate rooms for a little while, and Mitzy likes it when someone reads to her… but nothing scary… it gives her nightmares. Oh Reno, thank you so much! You’re so sweet…” she said, herding the girl and three boys into Reno’s apartment and kissing him on the cheek again, “Bye kids! Be good for Reno!”

With that, she hurried off down the hallway, leaving Reno in possession of four small children. He blinked once, staring into the now-empty hallway, feeling somewhat dazed and wondering if what he thought had just occurred was real, or if it was some hallucination induced by eating food that had been sitting out all night. He slowly turned around and was greeted by four pairs of eyes staring up at him.

“Did you know that your head is on fire?” the wide-eyed little girl asked, her voice trembling apprehensively. She looked to be about six, with short brown hair and violet eyes. Two of the boys laughed at their younger sister.

“You’re stupid, Mitzy!” said one of two boys who looked alike in every way, from their sandy-blond hair and ocean-blue eyes, to the faded jeans and t-shirts they were wearing.

“Yeah! Stupid!” the boy’s twin echoed.

“Stupid!” declared the third little boy, mimicking his obviously older brothers.

“Am not!” the girl sniffed.

“Are so!” one of the twin replied.

“Am not…” Mitzy said, her lower lip beginning to tremble. Reno definitely didn’t like where this was headed.

“Are so!” all three boys chorused. Mitzy sniffled again, and Reno got the distinct impression that the next several hours were going to be a living hell for him if he didn’t do something to intervene soon. With a sigh of acceptance, he stepped between the boys and their sister.

“Ok, knock it off. I’m in charge here, and you three are gonna behave!” he said, glaring at each of the boys in turn. He felt the little girl latch onto his leg.

“But she’s stupid! She’s always saying dumb stuff,” one twin said.

“Yeah!” the other two boys agreed.

“Maybe you didn’t hear me before… I said you three are gonna behave. Or else,” Reno said with authority, “Got it?”

The three boys pouted and glared at Mitzy, who was hugging Reno’s leg so tightly he was fairly certain that she was cutting off the circulation.

“Alright,” Reno sighed, “So who’s who?”

“I’m Cedric,” declared the more talkative of the twins. He pointed to the other, “He’s Daniel.”

“So I guess that makes you Alex, huh?” Reno said, looking down as the youngest of the children. The little boy squeaked nervously and darted behind Cedric.

“Aunt Veronica said you were a jerk,” Daniel said confidently. Reno blinked. He didn’t quite know how to respond to that statement.

“No she didn’t! She said he was a *Turk*!” Mitzy said, adding quietly, “Stupid.”

“What’s a Turk?” asked Alex.

“*He’s* a Turk,” replied Cedric, pointing at Reno.

“I thought he was Reno,” Alex said, obviously confused.

“He’s Reno the Turk,” Cedric explained.

“But what’s a Turk *do*?” Alex cried.

“They shoot people ‘n stuff,” said Daniel, interrupting his brother, “Don’t you know anything?”

“Is he gonna shoot us?” the youngest boy gasped, eyes wide with fear.

“No one is shooting anyone,” Reno snapped, wondering how long before that statement would come back to haunt him, and tried to think of some kind of distraction, “Uh… Who wants to watch cartoons?”

The boys glanced at each other and then ran for the couch, settling down to watch “The Adventures of Chucky the Chocobo”. Mitzy was still clinging to Reno’s leg.

“Don’t you wanna watch TV with your brothers?” he asked. The little girl shook her head. “Well, can I at least have my leg back?”

Mitzy reluctantly complied.

“They’re always mean to me,” she complained, “But I like you. You’re nice.”

‘Oh great,’ thought Reno, ‘She thinks I’m nice…’

———-

A couple of hours passed, and Reno mentally thanked whomever it was that had invented television. The boys were engrossed in an action-adventure cartoon, and aside from their cheers when something on the screen exploded, they were quiet. Mitzy was gazing at Reno intently as he tried to enjoy his day off despite his unexpected guests.

“I’m hungry!” Cedric suddenly proclaimed, leading to a chorus of “Me too”s from his siblings.

‘Uh oh…’ thought Reno, mentally picturing the contents of his refridgerator… Beer, left-over takeout, beer, lumpy milk that should have been thrown out a week ago, beer… The pantry wouldn’t be much better. Just the usual junk food he kept on hand for those times when he was too lazy to order in. Of course, by the time he’d realized all this, all four kids had tramped into the little kitchenette and were scavenging through it in search of food. He hurried in after them.

“I wanna eat here all the time!” Daniel declared, staring in awe at the quantity of chips and candy bars and cookies that occupied the large cabinet that served as Reno’s pantry.

‘Well, if that’s what they want to eat…’ Reno thought with a shrug, watching a bag of sour cream and onion chips explode as the twins fought over it. Mitzy had found his stash of Super Deluxe Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies, and was munching them down one after another.

“If this is all you eat, how come you’re so skinny?” she asked Reno, in between bites.

“I dunno… I just am,” he replied, with a shrug, rescuing a handful of the cookies for himself before they all vanished.

“Peanut butter!” came the cry from behind him. He turned to see Alex happily eating globs of the stuff straight out of the jar, turning himself and the area around him into a gooey mess. The other two boys were slowly but surely pulling out every box, bag, and package from the pantry. The spilled potato chips crunched under their feet. A second bag of chips exploded, most of its contents hitting Reno.

“Hey! That’s enough of that!” Reno said, glaring at the twins as he picked a number of chips out of his hair. The sound of shattering glass behind him diverted his attention away from the twins once again. Alex was climbing the shelves of the refrigerator, stretching to reach the top shelf, and in the process inching several bottles of beer dangerously close to the edge as the shelf that supported most of his weight bent slightly. One bottle had already suffered the terrible fate, and its friends wouldn’t be far behind. Reno moved quickly to pluck the little boy from his perch, sighing in relief when he saw that the remainder of the precious liquid was safe. He grimaced as he shut the refrigerator door, his hand coming into contact with a layer of peanut butter on the handle.

“Alright! Everyone back in the other room!” Reno shouted over the noise Cedric and Daniel were making as they threw handfuls of chips at each other. The din quieted at Reno’s sudden order, and the boys grudgingly walked out. Mitzy followed them, taking the rest of the cookies with her. Reno surveyed the damage, sighing again. Not that he was the neatest person on the planet, but still… This was a bit much even for his usually-slovenly lifestyle. He glanced into the living room, and saw that the little monsters were watching TV again.

‘Some day off,’ he thought as he head across the room to get a broom… unfortunately forgetting all about the broken bottle now buried under the debris, and biting back a cry of pain – and a few choice profanities, as well – as a large shard of glass lodged itself into the sole of his bare foot.

Reno sat down on the floor, wincing at he tried to dig the shard out of his foot, and sighing in relief when he finally succeeded in extracting it. He got up and limped over to the counter, grabbing a paper towel to staunch the blood flow, before creeping off to the bathroom in search of a more permanent solution.

“Why is there never a healing potion around when you need it?” he hissed, looking through the medicine cabinet and finding nothing useful. Finally, he gave up, wandering back into his bedroom and picking up an old t-shirt from the floor. He tore a strip off of it and tied it around his injured foot.

“Look what I found!”

The excited shout came from directly behind him and was accompanied by an all too familiar crackling sound, and then a stingingly painful jolt of electricity to his posterior region. Reno yelped in pain and spun around, instinctively rubbing his backside as he glared at the little boy who was armed with his electro-rod. It was one of the twins. Cedric, he thought.

“That is not a toy!” he yelled, lunging for the weapon, but Cedric darted out of his way and skittered under the bed. A chorus of laughter from the direction of the doorway only made Reno more determined to catch the little brat, and he dove under the bed after him. Suddenly, something landed on top of the bed, causing the mattress to bow down on top of Reno, slamming him to the floor with a loud thud.

“Wee!” Mitzy’s voice cried out as she bounced into the sir, jumping high enough to touch the ceiling and coming down hard in the center of the bed again. Underneath the bed, Reno saw Cedric crawl away, rejoining his brothers, as the bottom of the mattress shoved the Turk into the floor a second time.

“Whoever’s jumping… Ow! Stop it, right now!” he yelled. The pummeling abruptly ceased. He heard the thump of someone landing on the floor and then the sound of small footsteps running off. He dragged himself out from under the bed wondering how many bruises he’d just acquired.

“I will not kill them… I will not kill them… I will not kill them…” he repeated to himself as he made his way back to the living room to see what new damage the four siblings were causing. He stood at the door, almost afraid to open it, listening to the squeals of delight coming from the other side. Telling himself that it couldn’t… it just *couldn’t*… possibly get any worse, he opened the door and discovered how very wrong he was.

A thin, circular disc nearly hit him in the face the moment he stepped into the room. By the time he realized it was one of his CDs, two more had been launched in his direction, one hitting him in the arm, and the other actually leaving a dent in the wall to his left. Reno did the only thing he could do… He dove for cover.

From the relative safety behind the couch, he watched as his entire CD collection sailed through the air, bouncing off walls and furniture. The laughter and battle cries of the three boys filled the room. Thankfully, they soon ran out of ammunition.

“Ok, all of you sit down!” Reno cried, standing up from his shelter, and wincing as his injured foot protested sharply. One last disc flew through the air and hit him in the chest. The twins snickered and all three boys obediently sat down on the floor right where they were.

“Alright… Where’s Mitzy?” Reno asked, noticing that he was short one babysitting charge.

“Over there,” said Daniel, pointing toward the corner of the room, “She’s our prisoner. You were supposed to rescue her.”

Reno forced himself to look in the direction the boy was pointing. The cushions from the couch had been set on end to create a little “prison” in the corner. Reno walked over and shoved the cushions aside, finding Mitzy sitting on the floor behind them.

“Yay! You saved me!” she cried, jumping up and wrapping her arms around Reno’s waist, “Now we can get married and live happily ever after!”

“Ewww… Mitzy loves Reno! Mitzy loves Reno!” Cedric and Daniel chanted.

‘Somebody shoot me now,’ Reno mentally pleaded, prying Mitzy off of him and setting her down next to her brothers… only to find that now Alex was suddenly gone.

“Don’t. move.” Reno ordered through gritted teeth, giving each of the three children a warning look before heading off to look for the youngest of the group. He found the kitchen empty, so he moved on to his bedroom, checking under the bed and in the closet. Suddenly he heard the toilet flush, followed by a loud giggle. Then, to his dismay, a second flush and more squealed laughter.

“Why me?” he groaned, sprinting for the bathroom and arriving just in time to hear the words, “Bye-bye, keys…” followed by a third flush. He shoved the door open to see the little boy standing over the toilet, a plastic card clutched in his hand.

“Bye-bye picture of Reno,” he said, dropping the item into the water and flushing. Reno reached the boy just in time to see his Shin-Ra employee ID card disappear in a miniature whirlpool. He suddenly felt ill a moment later when he caught sight of his wallet lying on the floor nearby, its entire contents missing.

“Why?” he asked with a barely concealed whimper, “Why did you do that?’

Alex giggled hysterically and Reno had to surpress the urge to scream. He took a deep breath and then lifted the boy up, hauling him back into the living room with the others, where Cedric and Daniel were fighting over possession of the electro-rod.

“It’s mine!” shouted one of the boys… at this point, Reno had completely lost track of which twin was which.

“No, mine!” the other yelled.

“Mine!”

“Mine!”

“MINE!” Reno screamed, snatching to weapon from the two stunned little boys. He clutched it protectively to his chest.

“Now listen up!” he said loudly, “I’m in charge, so you four are going to do exactly what I tell you to from here on out… Is that understood?”

The children nodded silently. ‘Thank god,’ thought Reno, ‘Now I’ll just have them clean up this mess they made, and then…’ His train of thought was cut off by a knock at the door.

“Now what?” he asked aloud, lifting his eyes skyward and hoping that the Fates would be kind to him… for once.

“Stay,” he commanded the siblings. He turned away and stalked over to the door, ignoring the pain in he foot as he did so.

“Yes?!” he hissed, yanking the door open.

“Oh Reno, you’re such a doll… I can’t thank you enough for watching them for me. Kids! Time to go! Say bye-bye to Reno!” Veronica called over Reno’s shoulder. Cedric, Daniel, Alex, and Mitzy came running at the sound of their aunt’s voice.

“Bye Reno,” the twins chorused. Alex waved to him, and Mitzy threw her arms around his waist again.

“Oh, that’s just so cute,” Veronica cooed, “Come on Mitzy, time to go. Thanks again Reno.”

She collected the little girl and led the troupe back to her apartment, leaving Reno behind. Somewhat dazed, he shut the door and turned around, looking at his trashed apartment. Ignoring the mess, he limped his way silently to his bedroom, where he collapsed facedown on the bed, still clutching his electro-rod tightly in one hand, and at last letting out the scream of frustration and horror he’d been holding back for hours. The sound was adequately muffled by his pillows…

———-

“Good morning, Reno,” Tseng greeted him, looking crisp and neat and calm as always, as Reno walked into the office the next day, “I trust you enjoyed your day off…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Reno replied, “I *really* don’t want to talk about it…”

-fin-