Desha's Reno of the Turks Fan Fiction

Chapter 6: The Case of the Disappearing Bunny

Author’s Note: Those familiar with the earlier incarnation of this series may remember that this chapter had an alternate version. With this rewrite, I’ve combined elements of both versions into a single installment.

---

Reno could barely keep his eyes open as he finally made his way into the Turks’ headquarters… twenty three minutes late, and looking like he’d been trampled by wild chocobos. He was lucky to have made it in at all. He’d accidentally run four red lights and twice had caught his attention drifting to random things in heavy morning traffic.

“You look like hell.”

He felt like hell, too. Reno honestly couldn’t remember ever having been so tired in his life. The worst part was, short of drugging himself, it seemed there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. No matter how hard he willed it, sleep just would not come. If something didn’t change very soon, that might be his only option for a decent night’s rest. It wasn’t a prospect he relished… a naturally light sleeper, he didn’t care for the idea of not being able to wake up if he needed to, no matter how exhausted he was.

“Yeah… I’m goin’ for a new look… Like it?” he finally muttered in reply. Rude lowered his ever-present sunglasses to take a better look at his partner as the redhead dropped into the chair behind his desk.

“So you gonna tell me what’s up?”

Reno let his head flop back and closed his eyes. He was desperate to tell someone. The problem was that he couldn’t tell anyone. Not without making himself look ridiculous, at any rate. He knew perfectly well why he couldn’t sleep. It took him a moment to realize that Rude was still waiting patiently for an answer. It seemed the Fates favored him today, however, as he was rescued by an overwhelmingly cheerful and far-too-chipper-for-seven-twenty-three-in-the-morning cry of “Good morning!”.

Reno winced and sat up, wondering if there was any way to add some sort of remote volume control to the rookie. Any time he felt like crap, she always seemed to be entirely too loud.

“Sorry I’m late… There was an accident in Eight and traffic was backed up across half the sector. Wow, Reno… What happened to you? You look terrible…” Elena said, halting in the path she was taking to her desk and pausing directly in front of him.

“Thanks for noticing,” he said, dryly, “If you must know, I haven’t been sleepin’ real well.” Ha… not sleeping well? He hadn’t been sleeping at all. It had been… days. Come to think of it, he’d actually lost track of how many.

“Yeah? How come?”

“Don’t really know,” he answered. But something about her tone triggered his innate suspicion. Elena. She knew about… but no, it couldn’t be. She wouldn’t. They’d called a ceasefire. Still… he narrowed his eyes at the woman, considering the possibility. He still hadn’t returned the shoes she’d assaulted him with in the elevator. He’d said he was keeping them, and he’d meant it. Was that enough to make her take…

“Don’t really know what?”

Reno gave a startled yelp at the sound of the new voice, and nearly fell out of the chair. ‘Man… must be worse off than I thought. Didn’t even hear him come in…’ Reno thought to himself, as he swiveled away from Elena and Rude to glance up at the man who was suddenly standing directly behind him.

Tseng arched an eyebrow, taking in Reno’s – significantly more than usual – disheveled appearance. After all this time, he was very much accustomed to the younger man’s subconscious disdain for neatness… but this morning, Reno looked like he’d gotten dressed – not to mention shaved, eaten, and been attacked by rabid moogles – in the dark.

“He couldn’t sleep last night,” Elena offered, as Reno didn’t appear to be forthcoming with an answer any time within the next hour.

“Or the night before last,” Reno interjected, as he began to babble, “Or the night before that… or the night before that… or the night…”

Tseng held up a hand, motioning for the Turk to stop. Reno’s mouth snapped shut automatically at the implied order. Tseng gently lifted Reno’s chin and studied him for a moment, noting the dark circles that shadowed his eyes and the difficultly he was having focusing on the Turk leader’s face. “Just how long have you been awake?” he finally asked. Reno closed his eyes and thought for a long moment.

“… Ah, hell… What day is it?” he asked at last, frustration evident in his voice. This was bad. Reno’d known he was getting kind of loopy from sleep deprivation, but he was more than a little disturbed to discover that he couldn’t think straight enough to remember if it was Wednesday or Thursday… or possibly Friday.

“Go home, Reno.”

“But…”

“You’re no good to anyone like this. Go home and sleep,” said Tseng.

“Yeah, yeah…” Reno muttered, hauling himself to his feet, and sluggishly dragging himself towards the door. Like sleep was going to happen.

“Elena, would you mind…” Tseng began. Reno groaned.

“I don’t need a fucking babysitter!”

“No. But you do need someone to take you home. I’d like you to actually make it home. You’re not driving yourself,” Tseng said firmly.

“I’ll make sure he gets there in one piece, sir,” Elena piped up, before Reno could protest further. Tseng nodded and waved them off.

---

“It was you,wasn’t it?!” Reno accused as the elevator doors slid shut. Elena squeaked, startled by the sudden shout, and spun around to face a none-too-happy red haired Turk. “Where is he, ‘Lena?” he hissed menacingly.

“W-where is who?” she managed after a moment, thoroughly confused and more than a little concerned by the near-homicidal look in Reno’s aquamarine eyes. She had no idea what he was talking about or what had brought on this sudden change, but she instinctively backed away.

“You know exactly who I mean,” said Reno, “Mr. Foo-Foo!”

“What?!”

“I want him back… Right now!”

“Well I don’t have him!”

“Don’t lie to me! I know you took him!”

“I did not!”

“Did so!”

“Did not!”

“Did so!”

“Did not!”

“Did not!”

“DID SO!” Elena screamed automatically, and then facepalmed as she realized what she’d just done. She felt ridiculous.

“Ha! I knew it!” Reno crowed triumphantly.

“Oh, will you grow up,” she said flatly, as the elevator pinged at their destination and the doors opened. The drive to Reno’s apartment was passed in cold silence. Elena could feel his glare on her the entire time… and could still feel it even as she drove away after dropping him off.

‘What the hell has gotten into him?’ she wondered.

---

“Mmm, yeah… Just like that…” she murmured.

*RING*

Elena’s eyes snapped open, as she was unexpectedly roused from a very enjoyable dream.

*RING*

“What the hell…?” she muttered, and it took her a moment to realize it was her PHS. She glanced at glowing digital numbers of the bedside clock and her half-awake mind somehow managed to register that it was three in the morning.

*RING*

“This had better be an emergency…” she murmured sleepily as she reached for the phone, “Hello?” she said in a groggy voice.

“Yeah, I want a large pizza, with pepperoni, green peppers, bacon, pineapple, extra cheese, and anchovies, and a large order of breadsticks, extra garlic…” a high-pitched, nasal voice whined.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, I want a…”

“I heard you… Look, you’ve got the wrong number…”

“Oh, well in that case, I’ll have the house special number five with a side of onion rings…”

“Listen pal… I don’t do takeout!” she yelled, and hung up the phone before collapsing back into her pillows. It wasn’t long before her eyes began to drift closed…

*RING*

“Yes?!” she hissed into the phone.

“Hey, can I get a turkey sub with mayo, lettuce, cheese, mustard…”

This time, she recognized the voice through the attempted disguise, and felt her blood boil.

“Goddammit, Reno, I don’t have Mr. Foo-Foo!” she growled, and hung up.

*RING*

‘I’m just gonna ignore it… He’s gotta give up eventually,’ she thought.

*RING*

She pulled a pillow over her head.

*RING*

She picked up the handset and sent the call through to her voicemail, and then she waited. The darkened room remained still and undisturbed, and when she was satisfied that the phone would continue to be quiet, she lay back down, determined to salvage whatever was left of the night.

*RING*

“Ahhh!” she screamed, hurling the offending phone across the room. It smacked into the wall with a loud crack and clattered to the floor where it sat, blissfully silent.

“Oh, brilliant, Elena… now you have to requisition a new phone,” she muttered to herself, pulling the covers over her head. That was a problem for tomorrow, however, and soon she was drifting off to sleep again.

Unfortunately, Elena’s peace and quiet didn’t last long… As she slept, a shadow crept silently into her apartment, nimble fingers having made short work of the lock. It stole into her bedroom and paused beside her bed for a moment, watching her sleep, before tossing something to the floor. A greyish-white smoke began to fill the room, and the shadow quickly retreated, dropping more of its little smoked-filled surprises as it made its way back into the night from whence it came.

Elena bolted upright, coughing and gagging on the unimaginable stench that was rapidly filling the air in her room. Her eyes burned and watered, and whatever was spewing out that god-awful odor, she couldn’t see it. She made a mad dash for the door, blindly groping for the handle and at last escaping into the living room… only to find that the smoke and the smell were just as thick there. It was so nauseating she began to dry heave before realizing that she had no other option but to abandon her apartment. It was four-thirty in the morning.

---

Gods, she reeked. And not just her pajamas… the stink seemed to cling to her skin as well, and even with the car windows down it didn’t fade in the slightest, as if it had infiltrated her sinuses as well, forcing her to breathe through her mouth or risk another round of near-vomiting.

Elena yawned as she drove toward the Shinra building, occasionally rubbing bleary eyes that were still watering badly from the smoke. She could shower at the gym, she told herself, and she always kept a clean uniform in her locker, just in case. As a Turk, she never knew what she might run into. And as Reno’s frequent target, the odds for needing a change of clothes increased substantially.

It was going to be a long day. She was running on less than three hours of sleep, and she felt more tired now than she had when she’d gone to bed the night before. Elena glanced at her reflection in the rearview mirror and winced. She looked as bad as she smelled.

‘Dear Holy, I hope Tseng didn’t come into work early today… I can’t let him see me like this…’ she thought as she pulled into her reserved space in the parking garage. To her dismay, she recognized Tseng’s sleek black sports car two spaces over. And worse still, Reno’s bright blue convertible was parked in his space as well.

Yep… today was gonna suck.

---

The tile floor was cold under her bare feet as she made her way to the gym’s locker room.

‘I’ll just get my clothes, head for the showers, and hope like hell I don’t run into anyone,’ she told herself.

“Mornin’ ‘Lena… You’re here awfully early. Did we sleep well last night?”

She turned around slowly as the sound of Reno’s smug drawl.

“You…” she replied, narrowing her eyes.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’. By the way, did ya know you’re outta uniform?” he grinned, fingering the fabric of her pajama top, then wrinkled his nose in disgust, “Whew… ‘Lena, babe… Ever hear of bathing?”

“I hate you. So much.”

“Hey, this all coulda been avoided… All you had to do was give Mr. Foo-Foo back…”

“I don’t have him, I don’t have him, I DON’T HAVE HIM!” she screamed, her voice growing louder with each repetition.

“Isn’t it a bit early for this?” a new voice asked, “And what is that smell?”

“Heh… That would be ‘Lena, Boss…” said Reno, his grin widening even more as Tseng made an unexpected appearance… Things were going even better that he’d hoped. Elena blushed bright pink, wishing she were anywhere but here at the moment. Why? Why did she always have such terrible luck?

“I… er… that is, sir… It’s all his fault!” she managed, pointing at Reno, who stood a few feet off, giving Tseng his best “I’m innocent” look. Between the lack of sleep and somehow ending up in her own worst-case scenario, she was on the verge of tears.

“I don’t even want to know…” Tseng said, shaking his head as he walked off.

---

Reno may have been in better shape than the previous day, but he was far from back to normal… not to mention downing coffee like an addict. Elena had spent the better part of the morning doing her very best to avoid him. By the time the lunch hour had rolled around, however, Reno was practically stalking her, following her – sometimes subtly, sometimes not so much – all over the building. And, Reno being Reno, after all, he had quite literally followed her everywhere… twice even into the woman’s restroom, much to the alarm of a few other female employees.

And there there was the fallout. Tseng seemed to have come to the conclusion that Reno’s erratic behavior was due to some new prank. She had sworn up and down that she’d done nothing, and as far as she could tell, he’d believed her, but still… he’d been casting disapproving glances at her all day, as if it was somehow her fault Reno had gone completely and utterly insane. Thankfully, once the day was over, she’d finally lost psychotic Turk somewhere between the conference room and the parking garage.

Elena sighed in relief as she climbed into the driver’s seat. ‘I am going to a hotel to soak in a nice hot bath, and forget all about Reno and his stupid lost toy,’ she thought to herself. She didn’t dare face her own apartment just yet. She’d called a neighbor earlier and asked just how bad it was. Apparently, several people on her floor had been driven out by the smell, and it was still as strong as it had been last night. Despite her best efforts, her thoughts turned to Reno. Just why the hell was he so convinced that she took the damn thing anyway?

“Where is he, ‘Lena?” a dead calm voice asked from the backseat. Elena bit back a reflexive scream, and drew her weapon, turning and aiming with practiced ease. Reno didn’t even flinch upon finding himself staring down the barrel of her gun.

“Reno, have you lost you mind?!” she cried, lowering the weapon, “I could have killed you! And for fuck’s sake, I don’t have your stupid rabbit, you lunatic!”

Reno’s face took on a look of desperation. “It had to be you… You’re the only one that knows about Mr. Foo-Foo. Unless, of course, you opened that big mouth of yours!” he sneered. Now she understood… of course, it made sense. Hadn’t he explicitly told her that he’d never told Rude or anyone else about his attachment to the little toy? So naturally, suspicion would fall on her first. She was actually a little hurt that he apparently thought so little of her ability to keep a secret. Or that she’d launch so personal an attack without any sort of provocation.

“I want him back!” Reno stated again.

“I swear, Reno, on my honor as a Turk. I didn’t take him…” she replied, putting as much sincerity into her words as she could.

Reno shrank back against the seat. “You… really didn’t take him?” he asked softly. Elena shook her head. He raked his fingers through his hair and sighed.

“I’m sorry, ‘Lena,” he said after a moment, “This whole not sleepin’ thing is really messin’ with me. Ever since he went missing, I…”

“Wait a second… That’s why you can’t sleep?!” she asked incredulously. Reno felt his face redden slightly in embarrassment and he looked away from her.

“… Yeah. That’s why,” he admitted, “Look, I’ve had him almost my entire life, ok? I know it’s ridiculous, but I’ve never had to sleep without him, and now that he’s gone, I can’t sleep at all!”

“You’ve never had to sleep without him?” Elena replied, “What about on missions?… I mean you don’t actually…”

Reno went a shade redder.

“You… You bring him with you… Don’t you?” she said, doing her best to stifle the laughter that begged for release. Reno hid his eyes behind one hand and muttered something incomprehensible.

“You know… ” she continued, clearing her throat to cover up a giggle, “He’s probably just buried under a pile of junk in your apartment. I’ll help you look, if you want…”

“You will?” Reno asked, looking rather shocked by the offer, “Even after I went all psycho on you, trashed your apartment, and embarrassed the fuck out of you in front of Tseng?”

“You are so gonna pay for that. But yeah, I will. Frankly… insomniac-Reno is creeping me the hell out. The sooner you get some sleep, the better off we’ll all be.”

---

“Ewwww! I never should have offered to help… Reno, how can you live like this?!”

She was almost afraid to move beyond the threshold of the door. Elena wouldn’t have thought it possible without actually seeing it with her own eyes… but Reno’s apartment looked even worse than the last time she’d been there.

“Heh… Yeah, I know. It’s bad… even for me. Cleaning hasn’t exactly been top priority lately,” Reno said, looking somewhat abashed as he wandered into the mess, “Just watch where you step.”

‘No kidding,’ she thought. She slowly followed him inside, closing the door behind her. As she surveyed to room, she thanked the heavens that it at least didn’t smell the way it looked… That in itself was no small miracle, given the various remnants of food and laundry that were scattered everywhere.

“Ok, gross…” she said, cautiously picking up what looked to be a half-eaten peanut butter and cheese sandwich, holding it gingerly between two fingers at arms length.

“Hey, that’s still good!” Reno replied as he snatched it from her hand and took a bite. Elena felt like gagging.

“Ugh… Reno…” she moaned, somewhat nauseated.

“What?” he replied, mouth full of food. He swallowed and added, “You have something against leftovers?” Elena shuddered and quickly changed the subject.

“Let’s just start in the bedroom…” she suggested, hoping that, at least, was relatively livable and ‘leftover’-free.

Reno nodded and began to lead the way. Suddenly, something skittered across her foot. She caught a fleeting glimpse of a long, fury body as she leapt onto a nearby chair. Scanning the floor, she searched frantically for whatever the creature was. She was not moving another inch until she knew what she was dealing with and where it was. The chair, however, had other plans. Elena shrieked as she found herself falling a moment later as the chair wobbled and then tipped. She closed her eyes, arms poised to break her fall, hoping that she landed on something soft… and preferably not disgusting. She was extremely grateful, therefore, when she landed inelegantly in Reno’s waiting arms instead of face-planting into a pile of laundry – or worse.

“Ah, shit!” he grunted as he was thrown off-balance by the awkward catch. He landed flat on his back on the floor, Elena sprawled across his chest. For a moment, neither of them moved.

“You alright?” he asked, at last.

“Yeah… Thanks for the save.”

“Tch… What? You couldn’t wait to get to the bedroom before throwin’ yourself at me?” Reno teased as Elena lifted herself up.

“Shut up, Reno,” she said, reddening slightly. Figures that would be the first thing to come to his mind.

“Oh, don’t be such a prig… ‘Sides, you’re the one who suddenly decided you could fly, remember? What was that all about, anyway?”

“There is something crawling around on the floor in here!” she replied, standing up and straightening her uniform before offering to help her unexpected savior to his feet. Reno smirked and grabbed her hand.

“Oh… That’s just Snuffy.”

“… Snuffy?” she asked, wondering what in the hell was a ‘snuffy’.

“My new pet… Kid across the hall brought him home a couple weeks ago, but his mom wouldn’t let him keep the little guy. And before you ask, the kid named him… not me.”

“And… just what is Snuffy?” she asked, fearing the worst.

“He’s a ferret. Don’t worry… He won’t hurt ya… He’s just…”

“There’s some creepy little rat-thing wandering around in here?!” Elena cried, cutting him off.

“He’s nothing like a rat!” Reno replied defensively, “Ferrets are awesome. Gimme a minute and I’ll find him for ya so you can see for yourself.”

“Really, Reno… I don’t want to see it… Let’s just go find Mr. Foo-Foo so I can get out of here,” she said, inching herself away from the area Reno had started searching in, and leaning against the counter that separated the living room from the kitchenette.

“I thought women loved cute little fuzzy creatures…” he replied, stifling a yawn.

“Not when they’re…” she began, stopping abruptly as something tugged at, and then began to climb, her jacket sleeve. She froze as she felt the weight perch on her shoulder. Elena turned her head slowly to look, and came face to face with two beady little eyes staring back at her intently.

“Not when they’re what?” Reno asked, not bothering to look up.

“Get… it… off of me.”

“Huh? Oh, hey… You found him!” said Reno, catching sight of a very statue-like Elena and the little ball of fur that was nosing through her hair, “Come’re Snuffy.”

He picked up the ferret and set it on his own shoulder.

“Ugh… You know… normal people hire exterminators to get rid of things like that…”

“Aw, don’t say that. You’re gonna hurt his feelings. Snuffy’s a great pet. He’s quiet… He’s friendly… Pretty much takes care of himself. Wanna pet him?”

“NO!” Elena cried, jumping back a step or two, “No, I don’t want to pet your rat-thing! Let’s go find Mr. Foo-Foo. Now.”

She turned before he could say anything else and trudged off to the bedroom, hoping that Snuffy was the last of the surprises Reno’s apartment had to offer. She wasn’t sure she could take many more.

“Alright,” she said, surveying the room with determination, “Where did you see him last?”

“I left him on my bed, just like I always do… I’m sure of it. And when I came home from work, he was gone.”

“Well, a stuffed rabbit can’t just walk off on its own. You must have… Reno, will you please get that thing away from me!” she cried, eying the little ferret in Reno’s arms. He smirked and took his pet back into the other room.

“Ok,” she said when he returned, “I think the easiest way to do this is to just clean things up a little… He’s got to be somewhere in this mess.”

“Never in a million years thought you’d offer to clean my apartment again…” he teased.

“Keep it up, and you can just look for your precious little bunny by yourself!” Elena retorted.

“Ok, ok… Shutting up now…”

---

“Oh, this is just ridiculous… It’s got to be somewhere,” said Elena. They’d been over the entire apartment with a fine-toothed comb. No bunny… though they had found a large stash of other missing items that had been ferreted away by a certain new pet…

“Well, he’s not,” a disheartened Reno replied, “We’ve looked everywhere.”

Looking around, taking in the now-orderly apartment, Elena had no choice but to agree. Reno sighed and sank down onto the couch.

“Now what am I gonna do?” he lamented. A knock at the door interrupted the female Turk before she could reply.

“You mind gettin’ that, ‘Lena?” asked Reno, morosely petting the ferret that had climbed onto the couch and curled up in his lap. Elena silently complied. She couldn’t help but feel bad for him. Reno looked exhausted, defeated, and depressed. It was such a stark contrast to his usual nature.

She opened the door, only to find the hall empty, and was about to step back inside when a small box on the floor caught her eye. A folded note with “Reno” printed across the front in bold type-written letters sat on top, and Elena quickly stooped down and retrieved it.

“Who was it?” Reno asked listlessly.

“No one… Someone just left this for you,” she said, handing him the box. Reno opened it and pushed aside the tissue paper that concealed its contents, letting out a shout of joy as he seized on what was inside.

“Mr. Foo-Foo!” he cried with relief, scooping the beloved toy out of the box and hugging it tight… until he remembered that he wasn’t alone. Elena was giggling softly behind him. He slowed turned to her, setting the bunny back in the box. “Uhhh… you didn’t see that.”

“See what?” she asked, innocently.

“Yeah… Let’s keep it that way,” he replied, glancing back down at Mr. Foo-Foo, “What I wanna know now, though, is who took him?”

“Well… There was a note,” Elena pointed out, gesturing to the square of paper taped to the box lid Reno had tossed aside. He picked it up and unfolded it.

“Gotcha back,” he read, then looked up at her, “That son of a bitch…”

“What? Who?”

“Rude.” Reno suddenly burst out laughing, leaving Elena with the distinct impression that the redhead really had finally lost it completely. Apparently, Snuffy agreed, because as hysterics claimed his owner, he’d taken off to the far side of the couch, well out of Reno’s reach, and sat watching the man quizzically.

“Oh, man…” Reno gasped several minutes later, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, as he slowly began to calm down, “Talk about playin’ the long game…”

“W-what are you talking about? Why would Rude take Mr. Foo-Foo? How’d he even know about him?” Elena asked, feeling very confused. Reno glanced up at her, looking for all the world like he’d just heard the greatest joke ever written.

“Word of advice, ‘Lena. Don’t ever cross Rude unless you’re willing to pay the price for it. Guy never forgets a thing, his specialty is intelligence, and he can hold a grudge like you wouldn’t believe,” he said, grinning widely, “He just got me back for something I did over a year ago.”

She blinked. “And… for some reason, that’s funny?”

“You kiddin’? It’s hilarious!”

“Let me get this straight,” she said, shaking her head, as she tried to make sense of everything, “You’ve been awake for days, basically going completely out of your mind, accusing me of causing it, practically giving me a nervous breakdown, destroying my apartment… and now, when you find out it was Rude behind it all and not me, you’re not even angry?”

Her brain hurt.

“Pretty much,” Reno confirmed, “Oh, hey… about the stink bombs… No hard feelings, right?”

“No… Hard… FEELINGS?!” she cried in disbelief, as she imagined her apartment smelling of rotting garbage for the next few weeks.

---

“No… Hard… FEELINGS?!”

A bald figure chuckled softly in the shadows of the stairwell as the frustrated and confused cry reached his waiting ears.

-fin-