Desha's Reno of the Turks Fan Fiction

Chapter 12: The Houseguest

“Please? It’s just two days…”

“… No,” Rude reiterated for the third time. Reno frowned. This wasn’t going quite as planned.

“Seriously? Come on… I’ll even bring the booze. And not the cheap shit.”

“… Reno, you know I’d do just about anything for you, right?” the taller man replied.

“So you’ll let me stay at your place this weekend?” the redhead asked yet again, hopeful that he had finally worn Rude down.

“Except that.”

“Ah, come on!” Reno cried in frustration. He’d been so sure he could count on his partner.

“… You do remember the last time I let you couch surf, don’t you?” Rude asked, one eyebrow rising sharply behind dark lenses.

“Well… yeah,” Reno said, grudgingly admitting the other man’s point, “Uh… most of it, anyway. But this time’ll be different. I swear, I’ll leave the explosives at the office.”

“… No.”

“Geez… ya make one miscalculation on fuse length, and they never let you forget it.”

“…”

“And besides, your eyebrows grew back… eventually.”

“… No.”

Reno sighed in defeat. Rude wasn’t going to budge. The man was a rock. Once he made up his mind, there was no changing it. Fortunately, Reno had a Plan B… and it chose that very moment to walk into the Turks’ private lounge.

“Boss! Gotta favor to ask ya…” Reno began, grinning at Tseng.

“… Run,” Rude commented from across the room. Reno shot him a sharp look.

“What… sort… of favor?” Tseng asked, his expression guarded as he reached for the freshly brewed pot of coffee on the side table.

“I kinda need a place to crash this weekend. See my…”

“You must be joking,” Tseng said, quickly interrupting his second in command.

“It’s one weekend, Tseng,” Reno replied, “Please?”

“After the last time?” Tseng said, somewhat incredulously, “I’m sorry, Reno… but I will not be responsible for your untimely death, maiming, or, if history only repeats itself, defenestration.”

“But…”

“No, Reno. Absolutely not. Why can’t you just get a hotel room?”

“Because everything is booked solid this weekend!” Reno lamented, “It’s some… I dunno… geek convention or something.”

“… Swordie-con is not a ‘geek convention’,” Rude corrected quietly, sounding somewhat put out. Shadow & Sword was epic… not geeky.

“You’re going to it, aren’t you?” Reno deadpanned. Rude didn’t answer.

“So stay here,” Tseng suggested, “That’s the whole purpose of having sleeping quarters on our floor, you know.”

Reno looked affronted, as if Tseng had made the worst possible suggestion imaginable. “Ugh… No drinking, no smoking, and the very real possibility of running into Hojo prowling the halls for ‘specimens’? Yeah… no thanks. I’d rather sleep in a gutter.”

“Well, then… I hope it’s a very comfortable gutter. Because you’re not staying with me,” Tseng said in a tone that brokered no argument.

“So much for Plan B,” Reno muttered. He dropped himself into a nearby chair in a huff. That only left him with…

“Plan C!” Reno cried, leaping to his feet as a familiar blonde-haired figure appeared in the doorway, “Er… I mean… ‘Lena! I need a favor!”

“I… um… a-a favor?” Elena stammered, not expecting to be ambushed by her energetic compatriot the moment she returned from lunch.

“Run,” Tseng and Rude said in unison. Elena blinked, not sure what to make of the situation. Reno glared at the two men.

“Ah, don’t listen to them, ‘Lena,” he quickly responded before they could do anything else to sabotage him, “It’s a really tiny favor… no big deal. I just need a place to stay this weekend, that’s all…”

“Stay? You mean you want to stay at my apartment? With me?” Elena said, a little confused.

“Yeah… See, my place kinda failed it’s mako concentration inspection, and they’re kickin’ everyone out for two days to decontaminate. So I just need a couch to sleep on ’til Monday. Like I said… no big deal.”

“Don’t do it,” Rude interjected, shaking his head as if to dispel some terrible memory. Elena faltered, uncertain of what she should say. Even Tseng seemed to be giving her a look that was telling her to turn Reno down.

‘Time to bring out the big guns,’ Reno thought to himself. He dropped to his knees in front of her, looking up at her imploringly.

“Please, ‘Lena,” he said, giving her his best look of abject desperation, “I don’t have anywhere else to go!”

“W-well…” she said, casting a dubious glance at the other two Turks, “I mean, if it’s just for the weekend…”

‘Gotcha!’ Reno thought, triumphantly.

“Just for the weekend,” he confirmed, “Forty-eight little hours…”

“Oh… um… Well… O-ok, Reno. I… guess it’d be alright if you stayed at my place,” she said with a friendly smile. Reno grinned and jumped to his feet in one fluid movement.

“Sweet! I knew I could count on you, ‘Lena,” he said, slinging an arm around her shoulders, “… unlike some friends, who shall remain nameless. So great, I’ll be there around seven!”

With that, he whipped out the door before she could think better of her generosity and rescind the offer, disappearing down the hallway.

“… Been nice knowing you,” Rude commented.

“W-what?” Elena asked, “But… It’s just Reno.”

Tseng set down his coffee. “If you’re still sane come Monday,” he said ominously, “you’ll understand. By the way… I recommend locking up any weapons for the duration.”

“Sir?” she queried, blanching.

“So that you won’t be tempted to use them. I could hardly blame you, frankly… but realistically, I’d prefer to have Reno back at work on Monday without any extra holes or missing limbs,” he replied.

“You guys are just messing with me… right?” she said a little nervously. Really… this was Reno they were talking about. Slightly goofy, occasionally hyperactive Reno. Sure, he could could be a little obnoxious at times, and seriously… the man had no shame, and would do just about anything for a laugh… but in Elena’s experience, he was generally a decent guy. As long as this wasn’t some precursor to another of his pranks, she really couldn’t see the harm in offering him a spot on her couch for the weekend. Why on earth were Tseng and Rude acting as if she’d just invited some sort of ultimate evil down upon herself?

The two men looked at one another knowingly, but said nothing.

‘What have I gotten myself into?’ she wondered, suddenly very worried.

---

When Elena arrived home just after six-thirty, she was exhausted. Her afternoon had been hellish. She and Tseng had been caught in the middle of a shootout between a gang from the Sector 2 slums and an antique dealer from the Sector 4 plate who was moonlighting selling stolen ShinRa weapons in Wall Market.

The two Turks had been tasked with the recovery of ShinRa property, and had been planning on interrogating the dealer to find out who his source was, as well… but the gang had turned up unexpectedly. Tseng and Elena made it out in one piece; the dealer wasn’t so fortunate.

To top things off, the gang had firebombed the place when they were through. That left the Turks with no recovered weapons and no one to interrogate. Just a rather substantial failure that would have to be explained at length to Scarlet… who would not be pleased about her lost weaponry.

But that was a problem for Monday. Right now, the entire weekend lay before her, and all Elena wanted was a nice, quiet evening alone. Of course, it was right about then that she remembered that she had agreed to let Reno stay with her.

“What was I thinking?” she said aloud. She sighed and turned to the little cage that sat unassumingly on one of her bookshelves. A pair of beady black eyes watched her intently as she approached.

“Well, at least you’ll be happy to see Reno, won’t you Snuffy,” she cooed at the little ferret, who by then was standing on his hind legs in anticipation of being released. Elena opened the cage and scratched him behind his ears before lifting him out and setting him on the floor.

She had to admit… the little rodent had grown on her in the few weeks since he had taken up residence in her apartment. She was much more comfortable around him now, and had, somewhat unbelievably in her opinion, come to understand how Reno had become so attached the the curious creature. Much like Reno himself, Snuffy was hard not to like once you gave him a chance.

“I guess I better get ready for our houseguest, huh, Snuffy?” she said, heading to the linen closet and pulling out pillows and a blanket. She set them down at one end of the couch. Snuffy scrambled to perch on the back of a nearby armchair. Another trip to the closet, and she pulled out some extra towels, which she left in the bathroom.

That done, she made her way to the kitchen. Reno hadn’t said whether he was planning to join her for dinner or not… but knowing him, even if he’d eaten beforehand, he’d never turn down seconds.

Elena really didn’t feel much like cooking tonight. ‘Thank goodness for leftovers,’ she mused as she raided the fridge, retrieving a plastic container of pasta salad, along with some grilled chicken, half of a cantaloupe, and some green beans that would just need a minute or two in the microwave. As she was spooning the pasta salad onto her plate, there was a knock at the door.

‘That’ll be Reno,’ she thought to herself, and hurried to open it.

“Hey, ‘Lena,” Reno greeted her, smiling widely as he stepped into the apartment, a duffle bag slung over one shoulder, and a large paper sack tucked under his arm, “Thanks again for lettin’ me stay.”

“Sure,” she replied, “It’s no problem.”

“Hope you’re ready for a wild weekend,” he added with a grin.

“W-wild?” she echoed.

“Sure! Ya don’t think I’d show up empty-handed, do ya?” he said pressing the second bag into her arms, “Hey, is that food?”

Reno had tossed his duffle down by the door and beelined for the kitchen before Elena could make any further inquiries into what he was planning. The bag clinked softly as she shifted its weight.

“Alright, Snuffy! Now it’s a party,” he said, scooping the ferret off the floor. Snuffy scrabbled up the sleeve of Reno’s jacket and sat contentedly on his shoulder as Reno began feeding him bites of chicken with one hand, and dishing out a giant helping of pasta salad for himself with the other.

With a sense of trepidation, Elena peeked into the bag Reno had thrust upon her. She wasn’t exactly shocked at what she found.

“Reno… why did you bring half a liquor store with you?”

“Because every time I’ve been over here, the place has been completely dry,” he responded, “Besides… you desperately need to cut loose once in awhile. ‘Specially after the day I heard you and Tseng had. And what better time than now? You got me all to yourself for the whole weekend… might as well make the most of it, right?”

“Um…”

‘So much for a nice, quiet evening,’ she thought.

“Come on… bring that over here. I got something that’ll go great with this stuff,” he urged.

“Reno… I really kind of just wanted to relax. I’m exhausted,” Elena protested. Reno shrugged.

“You wanna relax? Fine… Come have a drink with me and relax. Unwind. Chill.”

“Well… I supposed one drink couldn’t hurt…”

---

Her head. Was going. To explode.

Elena groaned loudly and squinted against the harsh sunlight that was streaming through her bedroom window. Lying on her stomach and half hanging over the edge of the bed, she groped around blindly until she finally managed to latch onto a pillow. She quickly buried her face in it to block out the light.

What the hell had happened last night? She didn’t even remember going to bed. For that matter, she didn’t remember much of anything after the point at which she’d lost track of how many times Reno had refilled her glass. Just vague snatches of memory. Loud music. Laughter. Feathers.

Wait… Feathers? Why the hell did she remember feathers? The pounding in her head was making it entirely too difficult to think clearly… and so, frankly, was the sudden churning of her stomach. She groaned again and dragged herself off the bed, staggering as quickly as she could to the bathroom.

After nearly ten minutes, her stomach seemed to have expelled everything it was physically capable of giving up. She wiped her mouth shakily with the back of her hand and flushed the toilet, wincing at the much-louder-than-she-remembered whoosh or water. When had it gotten so ear-splittingly loud? Or had she just never been this hungover in her entire life?

Elena gripped the edge of the sink, and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

“Oh, god,” she muttered, “I look like the living dead…”

In some corner of her mind, she wondered if Reno had fared better than she had. One thing she was certain of was that he’d been drinking just as heavily as she had been… probably more. If she was in this bad of shape this morning, surely Reno wasn’t at his best, either. The guy might have the tolerance of a fully-grown Behemoth, but he wasn’t completely immune.

She rifled through the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of aspirin. She quickly downed two of the tablets… then thought better of it and swallowed two more… before making her way to the living room to see if her weekend roommate was still alive or if he’d finally succumbed to alcohol poisoning.

“Mornin’ ‘Lena!” Reno called out as Elena finally shoved the bedroom door open. She winced painfully at the sheer volume of his voice, and glared at him.

“How are you not at all hungover?” she asked, noting that the man in her kitchen seemed perfectly alert and well-rested. She pointedly ignored the fact that he was clad only in a pair of red boxer shorts that appeared to be covered in tiny pictures of moogles.

“Tch… what? After that little party? I was barely even gettin’ started when you decided to call it a night… You’re kind of a lightweight, ‘Lena,” he said, smiling teasingly, “You want some eggs?”

At the mention of food, her stomach suddenly rebelled again, and Elena darted back into the bathroom.

“I guess that’s a no,” Reno called after her.

---

When she finally returned, Reno was waiting for her, armed with a cup of coffee.

“Here,” he said, pressing the mug into her hands, “Drink.”

Elena did so, deeply, only to nearly spit it back out as the harsh burn of what she was fairly certain was a generous dose of whiskey hit the back of her throat. She spent the next few moments coughing violently.

“Are you trying to kill me?!” she sputtered once she’d recovered a bit.

“Oh lighten up,” he said, smirking, “It’ll take the edge off.”

“Or finish off my liver for good,” she muttered, but took another, much smaller, sip anyway.

“Heh… I really gotta get you drunk more often, ‘Lena. You’re a riot when you’re hammered,” Reno replied, looking bemused. Elena tensed, then slowly looked up from her coffee.

“W-what do you mean?” she asked, “What did I do?”

“Wow… Complete blank? You really are a lightweight,” he laughed, and Elena had the feeling that she wasn’t going to like this.

“Relax…” he said upon seeing her expression, “I didn’t let you do anything I wouldn’t have done myself.”

Elena paled slightly. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” she squeaked. Reno laughed again, but then thought about it.

“You’ve got a point there,” he grinned, “But don’t worry. I stopped you before you could go streaking in the parking lot. Can’t say the same for myself, though…”

“What?!”

“Hey, you dared me. I couldn’t back out after that. It was a matter of honor!”

“Please tell me no one saw you…” Elena groaned. Reno just shrugged.

“Is there anything else I should know about?” By this point, she was dreading the answer, but figured it was better to know than not.

“Well… we did get get a few noise complaints ’cause of the music,” Reno replied, “And then the cops showed up…”

“Cops? Someone called the police because we were so loud?” she said, cringing.

“Uh, heh… not exactly. They called ’em because we were throwing water balloons off the balcony at people in the parking lot. Gotta hand it to ya… for someone who was completely plastered, you had damn good aim. Pegged the cop right in the face from a good fifty feet.”

“Reno?” she asked, interrupting his narrative.

“Yeah?”

“How is it I’m not in jail?”

“Please… ya ever hear of a Turk gettin’ arrested?” Reno said with a derisive snort, ” ‘Course I think maybe you were pushin’ it when ya disarmed the guy, handcuffed him, and told his partner to, and I quote, ‘book ‘im Danno’.”

“Oh god…”

“Seriously… it was fucking epic,” Reno continued, unphased by Elena’s growing levels of mortification, “So, yeah… after the cops left you decided to challenge me to a pillow fight to the death…”

“Please stop…”

Reno ignored her.

“By the way, you’re going to need some new pillows. And a new vacuum. It kind of caught fire when you were trying to clean up the feathers. Ya know, you’re the only person I’ve ever met who tries clean up her own drunken mess while she’s still drunk…”

“Please tell me nothing else caught fire,” Elena pleaded. Reno thought a moment.

“Eh… I mighta singed the curtains a little when I chucked the flaming vacuum of doom out the window, but other than that… Oh, right. You’re also gonna need a new window. Kinda didn’t bother to open it first.”

Elena hesitantly glanced across the room, which up until then she’d largely ignored. Sure enough, jagged shards of glass clung to the edges of the window frame around a vacuum cleaner-sized hole.

“… Is that it?” she asked, hopefully.

“Pretty much,” Reno replied.

“What do you mean, ‘Pretty much’?” she asked with growing terror.

“You… may or may not have drunk-called Tseng while I was streaking,” Reno replied, grinning maniacally.

“I WHAT?!” she cried, horrified.

“Hey, hey… don’t freak out,” Reno said. Elena glared at him. He was enjoying this way too much, “I’m pretty sure he didn’t actually pick up.”

“Oh, thank Holy,” Elena sighed, relief flooding her body.

” ‘Course you may or may not have left a voicemail,” he added. Elena froze, the half-full mug of coffee dropping from her hands and shattering on the floor. Reno jumped back before the hot liquid could splash on his bare feet.

“What… what did I say in this voicemail?” she asked, her voice faltering.

“Dunno… I was tryin’ to find my pants at the time, so I wasn’t really listening,” he shrugged, “And then you passed out, so I put ya to bed and hung out with Snuffy.”

She was never going to live this down.

“So…” Reno asked, “Whatdya wanna do today?”

---

The remainder of the day was something of a blur for Elena. The first thing she did was dispose of every last drop of the remaining alcohol as Reno looked on in despair and disbelief.

Once her headache had finally abated, Saturday was spent cleaning the debris from their “party” the night before. She was fairly sure she’d gone several shades of red when she’d finally had to ask one of her neighbors if she could borrow their vacuum cleaner. By the time she’d returned with it, Reno had helpfully cleaned up the worst of the broken glass. She’d gone to bed feeling even more exhausted than she’d been after work on Friday.

Sunday, she had made plans with Rude to attend Swordie-con… and so it was with no small amount of trepidation that she left Reno, who refused to “spend all day at a geek convention”, alone in her apartment, and drove to the convention center in Sector 6.

“… So. Reno,” Rude said simply as Elena walked up to meet him at the entrance.

“Don’t ask,” she replied firmly.

“… Told ya,” he shrugged. Thankfully, he didn’t press her for details, and didn’t bring up her houseguest again for the rest of the day. Sometimes, Elena was extremely grateful for Rude’s sense of tact.

By the time they’d joined a huge swarm of their fellow Swordies for the sneak peek screening of Shadow & Sword’s season eleven premiere, she had almost put Friday night and the ensuing aftermath out of her mind.

---

Elena didn’t make it home until around 10 pm. Swordie-con had been hard to leave, she was having so much fun.

She was a little surprised to walk into a dark, almost silent apartment. She had expected to find Reno wide awake at such a relatively early hour. Instead, she found him sound asleep and snoring softly on the couch. Snuffy was curled up contentedly on his chest.

Elena shrugged and crossed the apartment to her bedroom as quietly as she could.

“So how was Geek-con?” Reno’s voice suddenly called out, just as she reached her bedroom door. Elena jumped a little, startled.

“Oh! Sorry… I was trying not to wake you!” she quickly apologized.

“Heh… Good luck. I’m a light sleeper,” Reno replied, sitting up, “Usually doesn’t take much.”

Elena turned on a table lamp so she could see him better.

“Oh… Well… It was good!” she said, only too happy to gush about her day, “Yarin Fellmore was on one of the panels. He plays Lysander Honeycutt… He’s my favorite character, you know. I totally got his autograph! Oh, and then… they screened the first five minutes of next season’s premiere! It was fantastic! I can hardly wait for it to start…”

Reno laughed.

“Ya know… I thought Rude had it bad for this show. But you may actually be worse,” he snickered, though his tone was light-hearted, “Oh… by the way, I called in a favor and got the window fixed while you were gone.”

“Y-you did?” she said, a little shocked. Reno hadn’t seemed at all concerned about the damage he’d caused earlier. And how he got anyone to come out on a Sunday was beyond her.

“Yeah… Figured it’d be kinda shitty of me to stick ya with the bill for the damage after you were nice enough not to kick me out,” he replied, sheepishly scratching the back of his head, “Or, ya know… try ‘n shoot me. I know I get a little carried away sometimes.”

“Thanks, Reno,” Elena said, “That was really nice of you.”

“Nah… no problem. Hell, you deserve it just for makin’ it this long. Rude didn’t speak to me for a week after the last time I stayed with him. And Tseng actually threw me out. I mean physically threw me out. The window. Didn’t offer to pay for that one,” he chuckled, his grin widening, almost as if he were proud of the fact. Elena’s jaw dropped.

“What did you do to them?” she gasped, having to choke back a laugh.

“Long story… I’ll tell ya some other time. We both gotta be at work at seven tomorrow,” he replied, “I will say, though… I’m glad Tseng’s place is on the ground floor. He definitely wasn’t holdin’ back when he threw me.”

“You are so going to tell me that story tomorrow.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, waving her off, ” ‘Night ‘Lena.”

“Good night, Reno,” she said softly, clicking off the lamp.

---

“… You’re still alive,” Rude stated as Reno and Elena arrived at the office the next morning. Elena wasn’t entirely sure which of them he was referring to.

“Very funny,” Reno replied, “I’ll have you know we had a terrific weekend… Heh… what ‘Lena remembers of it, anyway.”

“I don’t know if ‘terrific’ is quite the word I’d use,” Elena commented.

“She might even let me stay with her again,” Reno continued, ignoring the interjection. Rude raised both eyebrows, glancing at Elena in surprise. She sighed.

“It wasn’t so awful,” she responded to Rude’s unspoken question, “So, yeah, I guess. Maybe. You know, if there wasn’t anywhere else he could stay.” Rude shook his head, at a loss for words.

“Ha! See?” Reno crowed, triumphantly, “Some people appreciate my company.”

Tseng chose that particular moment to poke his head out of his own office.

“I thought I heard you dulcet tones, Reno,” he commented dryly.

“… Elena’s actually willing to let him stay with her again,” Rude spoke up, the sheer disbelief evident in his voice.

“I don’t believe it,” Tseng replied.

“I said ‘maybe’,” Elena clarified, “Maybe. Honestly, though, we got along okay after awhile. I don’t know why you two were so averse to it.”

“Hmph… Reno must have been on his best behavior for you, then,” Tseng commented, before allowing himself a subtle smirk, “Speaking of which, Elena… If you have a moment, I’d like to speak to you about a voicemail I received Friday night…”

Elena went very still and very pale. Between her hangover and the cleanup effort, she’d completely forgotten about that. She slowly turned to look at the redhead, who had wisely moved back a few steps and positioned himself safely out of her immediate range, behind Rude.

“On second thought… Never again, Reno…” she said, “Never again.”

-fin-