Desha's Reno of the Turks Fan Fiction

Chapter 4: Of Cheap Hotels and Condiments

Elena flinched as Reno’s shriek echoed her own. The air seemed to reverberate with the sound, long after both Turks had gone silent and could only stare at one another in shock.

‘This is not happening. This can’t be happening. We… we didn’t. Did we?’ she wondered, her mind forming the question that her trembling lips couldn’t manage. A sickening feeling of dread began to settle over her as she worked to piece together the previous night’s events.

“So… ‘Lena… Not to ruin the moment here, but you wouldn’t happen to know where our clothes are, would you?” Reno asked, drawing her back to the present. Elena looked down at the blanket she was still clutching like a lifeline against her bare chest, and felt her cheeks flush. Why did it have to be Reno of all people?

“P-please just tell me that this is some sick joke you came up with to get me back for the blue hair…” She hated the way that her voice wavered. She fully expected the usual comment of ‘Don’t act so weak, ‘Lena,’ in that irritating, smartass, almost delusionally superior tone of his. Instead he just smiled at her.

“Nope,” he replied, leaning over the edge of the bed. She heard him utter a soft “Ah ha!” and a moment later, he sat up, grin still plastered across his face in triumph as he held up his pants. Elena’s last spark of hope was extinguished.

‘That jerk…’ she thought. She knew all about Reno’s reputation around the Shinra Building. The thought of ending up another notch on his bedpost was bad enough, but for it to have happened like this… She sank down into the covers in shame, pulling them over her head. ‘Could this possibly get any worse?’ She rolled over, away from Reno, pulling the blanket along with her. And then she realized that, yes… yes it could. Thoughts of Tseng questioning her on where she’d disappeared to last night played through her mind like some grotesque movie, and the possibility of actually having to explain left her feeling ill. She clutched the blanket in death grip and squeezed her eyes shut tight.

“Hey… Where d’ya think you’re going with that?” Reno asked, tugging at the blanket, amusement blatantly evident in his voice. That settled it… She’d just have to kill him. Or herself. Or them both. Elena twisted her fingers into the material and pulled still more of it away from Reno, cocooning herself in cheap cotton. He poked her in the ribs through the material.

” ‘Lena?” She remained defiantly silent. Damned if she was going to answer him… particularly given that she didn’t trust her own voice not to betray the mental turmoil she she was feeling at the moment. She felt him shift on the mattress, heard the sound of cloth sliding over skin and a moment later, a zipper being done up.

“El-en-a…” Reno’s voice said softly in a teasing, sing-song tone, far too close to her ear, as if trying to entice a small child out of her hiding place. She kept right on ignoring him. The mattress rose slightly as Reno left the bed.

‘That bastard,’ she thought, blinking back tears of shame and embarrassment, ‘He’s just going to leave and pretend none of this ever happened… oh god… or worse, go off and brag about it. All of Shinra will probably know by this afternoon…’ A small part of her mind pointed out that, in spite of what she’d heard about him around the office from others, she had never actually known Reno himself to brag about that sort of thing in the brief time she’d known him – most of the gossip about him came to her via the secretarial pool – but she was too wrapped up in worst-case scenarios to pay that part of her mind much attention.

Elena was about to wrestle aside the covers she’d buried herself under and give Reno a piece of her mind… or possibly rip his throat out… when something large and heavy slammed down on the opposite side of the bed. Simultaneously, she heard Reno call out, “Elena!” The impact drew a loud groan from the bedsprings, and catapulted Elena onto the floor with a thud.

For a moment, she simply lay there, her shoulder throbbing slightly where it had hit the hard wood before the rest of her, dazed as she tried to sort out what the hell had just happened. She could hear him laughing quietly from above. That was the final straw. She would not be laughed at, least of all by that perverted little man-whore. She shoved her confusion aside, and flailed angrily, trying to free herself from the bedclothes. When she finally succeeded in partially extracting herself from the confines of the material, she found herself looking up at a very smug Reno, who was casually stretched out on his stomach across the width of the bed, chin propped up on his palms.

“You… you… you son of a bitch!” she screamed, too angry muster a better response. There was plenty she’d have liked to say to him right then… she was just too furious to find the words.

“Oh good… I was afraid you weren’t speaking to me.” he drawled, the smile never leaving his face for a second.

‘Death is too good for him,’ Elena thought, glaring at him with every ounce of anger she could summon.

“Aw relax, ‘Lena… I think we’ve been had,” Reno added.

---

The disorientation of waking up in a strange bed, in a strange room… Finding Elena next to him, blanket clutched to her chest as she stared at him in horror… The sudden shriek that had awakened him in the first place… No wonder he’d echoed her scream.

‘I couldn’t possibly have been that drunk last night…’ Reno thought to himself as Elena gawked at him wide-eyed, mouth slightly open. ‘ ‘Course it just had to be ‘Lena… Tseng’s gonna kill me.’

Not that the Turks had any explicit rules against fraternization – and it certainly wouldn’t have been the first time he’d “fraternized” with a fellow-Turk over the years – but Tseng had a protective streak a mile long. And the rookie, in particular, he seemed to have a bit of a soft spot for. He sighed softly and ran his fingers through his hair as he looked over at Elena again. The shock was so clearly etched across her face that he might have laughed had he not been in a similar state himself.

‘Fuck, Rude… how could ya have let me… Wait a damn second…’ he thought, his eyes narrowing. He’d been with Rude last night, and Tseng had been there, too. Even on the off chance that Rude had failed to stop him from doing something so indescribably stupid, Tseng would’ve been keeping an eye on Elena, as well. Between the two of them, there was just no way for something like this happen. Which left only two possibilities in his mind. Either both men had died sudden, horrible deaths, leaving Elena and Reno to wander off in a drunken stupor and get busy in some cheap hotel room, or the more likely choice, they’d had something to do with the current situation.

He thought back to the night before. Reno had thought it odd that Tseng had come along without any pestering or prodding at all, and odder still that he’d invited the rookie… but it wasn’t unheard of, and he’d been more annoyed than concerned about it at the time. He’d just wanted to get out of the building and into the nearest bar. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Rude hadn’t seemed especially surprised to have the boss joining them… almost as if it had been expected.

‘Those brilliant motherfuckers… they were both in on it…’ he thought, hanging his head in defeat. He’d been set up, and he’d never even seen it coming. He knew Rude far too well to believe him to be above pulling off a prank of this magnitude… but for Tseng to be involved? That was new territory. He frequently joked that the Turk leader had no sense of humor, and while he knew better, pranks weren’t really Tseng’s style. Reno couldn’t help but wonder which of them had masterminded things. It was certainly twisted enough to have come from Rude… and this wasn’t the first time he’d woken up naked in a strange place on his account. On the other hand, he was beginning to suspect that there was a side to Tseng that had never come out to play before.

Suddenly, he realized that, while he’d been pondering Tseng’s new-found enjoyment of practical jokes, Elena hadn’t made a sound since she’d first screamed him awake. She was still staring at him blankly, probably trying to figure out how in the hell she’d gotten here. Apparently, she hadn’t come to the same conclusion he had yet.

“So… ‘Lena… Not to ruin the moment here, but you wouldn’t happen to know where our clothes are, would you?” Reno asked. The room wasn’t very well-lit, but he was pretty sure she blanched.

“P-please just tell me that this is some sick joke you came up with to get me back for the blue hair…” Elena replied. The quivering tone of her voice betrayed the distress and mortification she must have been feeling. Reno smiled, thoroughly enjoying this, now that he had a better idea of what was actually going on. ‘Serves her right…’ he thought, smoothing back a lock of still-blue hair.

“Nope.”

‘Wish I’d been the one to think of it, though,’ he added silently, mentally sniggering, as he leaned over the side of the bed. ‘Pants… Pants would be nice…’ They were nowhere in sight, though, now that he looked, the rest of his clothes, as well as Elena’s, seemed to have been flung about the room in a frenzy of drunken passion. It was a nice touch, if a little annoying. He didn’t have any issue with walking around in the buff, but he didn’t want to traumatize Elena too much for one morning. It seemed a little unsportsmanlike. He fished around under the bed for a moment, fingers at last encountering fabric.

“Ah ha!” he murmured, sitting up and grinning in triumph. ‘Thought you could hide from me, huh?’ he silently chastised the elusive garment. Elena whimpered softly and leaned back against the pillows, pulling the covers over her head… and subsequently dragging them away from Reno.

“Hey… Where d’ya think you’re going with that?” he asked as he found more and more of his bare skin being slowly revealed, trying not to laugh. He made a half-hearted attempt at reclaiming his portion of the blanket… to which Elena responded by stealing all of it – leaving him completely exposed – and rolling herself to the opposite edge of the bed.

” ‘Lena?” he ventured, poking the blanket. He received no answer from her, just stony silence. Despite his annoyance over the fact that his hair was still very, very blue, he couldn’t help but think that this had gone far enough. A joke was one thing, but seeing the obvious effect the situation was having on the rookie, it was beginning to lose its appeal.

‘Damn conscience,’ he thought as he lay back and slid into the one article of clothing he’d retrieved, ‘A perfectly good opportunity to torment her and I can’t bring myself to do it…’

He rolled onto his side, propping his head up with one hand so he could ever so slightly lean over the rookie Turk. Time to let her in on the joke.

“El-en-a…” he sang softly, leaning in close to her ear… or at least his best guess at where her ear was. Still no answer. ‘Well, fine… Two can play at this game…’ he thought. Reno slithered off the bed and and backed up a few paces, then took a running start and launched himself onto the mattress, hitting it hard on his knees.

“Elena!” he cried loudly as the impact had the desired effect. Blanket and all, Elena was bounced upwards and tossed to the floor with a thud. Reno stretched out across the bed, looking down at her as she fought against her confines, finally succeeding in poking her head out.

“You… you… you son of a bitch!” Oh yeah… she was definitely angry. Reno flashed her an innocent smile. This was much better than the brooding, shamed little thing she’d been a moment ago.

“Oh good… I was afraid you weren’t speaking to me.”

If looks could kill, Reno would’ve been a dead man… but as they could not, he let his smile spread, noting the murderous expression on Elena’s scowling face. Yes… that was definitely much better.

“Aw, relax ‘Lena… I think we’ve been had.”

---

“It’s gotten quiet.”

“I doubt they’ve killed each other just yet,” Tseng replied. The last sound they’d heard from the room across the hall had been a loud curse directed at Reno. The original plan had been to let them in on the joke as soon as they were certain the two of them were awake. Somewhere along the line, however, Tseng and Rude had come to a mutual agreement to hold off and just wait and see what happened.

Rude shrugged and leaned back in his chair, content to let Reno and Elena suffer a bit longer.

---

“W-what are you talking about?” Elena asked from her position on the floor, her earlier rage having been replaced by an inkling of hope that this might not be as bad as it had seemed.

“Oh, come on, ‘Lena. Think about it… Would either Tseng or Rude really let us wander off to to have a one night stand in some third-rate hotel after a night of binge drinking?”

“I wasn’t the one who was binge drinking,” Elena muttered.

“Which only raises another point… I was just gettin’ started, last I remember. I shouldn’t have been anywhere near black-out drunk. ‘Sides… I didn’t go in plannin’ on obliterating the entire night to begin with. I do know how to keep track of how much I drink, ya know, and even if I had gotten a little too enthusiastic, Rude tends to stop me before I get that far if we’re workin’ the next day.”

“S-so… you think they set this all up? As a… a joke?” she asked, obvious relief flooding her features, “But… Tseng wouldn’t… I just can’t imagine him being in on something like that…”

“Heh… Gotta admit, it’s kind of a surprise for me, too. But I can’t think of any other scenario that makes sense, and believe it or not, Tseng is occasionally capable of pullin’ that stick out of his ass… No matter how much I might claim otherwise,” said Reno, adding, “Plus, I don’t think he’s really as annoyed with all the pranks as he lets on.”

“But… he said…” Elena began, thinking back to early yesterday morning. Tseng had certainly seemed “annoyed” then…

“Please… he’s been encouraging it from the beginning. Who was it that ordered me to be your slave for a day? And who let Rude leave that god-awful picture of me on the wall in the office? Oh… and, just so you know… he didn’t exactly try to dissuade me when he caught me borrowing the cayenne pepper from the cafeteria…”

“I don’t believe this,” Elena moaned, “They really set us up…” Reno chuckled and rolled off the bed. He began to round up the stray articles of clothing that had been scattered around the room.

“Well, while you’re waiting for reality to set in, I’m going to take a shower and pray that I’m a redhead again when I get out… Oh, this is nice,” he added, holding Elena’s bra up to his chest with a smirk, “Matches my eyes…” Elena rolled her eyes at him.

“You wanna borrow it, or something?” she deadpanned, feeling better now than she had all morning. He grinned and tossed it, along with Elena’s other clothes, onto the bed before disappearing into the bathroom.

---

Reno closed his eyes and let his muscles relax as the water hit his skin, turning up the heat as hot as he could stand it and relishing the warmth. He let the stream wash through his hair, daring to open one eye and sighing in relief when he saw the clear water turn to a sapphire blue as it swirled down the drain at his feet. He just hoped that all of the dye came out so he wouldn’t end up with some ungodly shade of purple.

---

Once Reno was gone, Elena had quickly dressed and sat herself down on the bed, trying to decide what to do. Reno had to be right… Tseng and Rude had to have set them up. On one hand, she was incredibly relieved that she hadn’t accidentally ended up sleeping with one of her commanding officers… on the other, she didn’t necessarily want to believe that her teammates, and Tseng in particular, would toy with her like that.

Suddenly, a new thought occurred to her. If Tseng and Rude had planned this all out, then they would have wanted to be around for the punchline… which meant that they were almost certainly still somewhere in the hotel or at least very nearby.

“Hmm…” She pulled her gun from its holster beneath her jacket. A couple of gunshots would be bound to get their attention…

Just then, Reno emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed, his damp hair now restored to its natural color. He raked his fingers through the tangled mess a few times before tying it back into a ponytail.

“That’s more like it…” he sighed, before catching sight of his companion, noting the gun in the woman’s hand and the look of sadistic intent in her eyes, “Uh… heh… ‘Lena? What exactly are you planning to do with that?”

“Reno… I think it’s time we called a truce and worked together for the greater good,” she replied, not looking up from the weapon.

“Oh yeah? Well, if that ‘greater good’ involves a little retribution for last night, tell me whachya got in mind…”

---

Ten minutes later, Reno scrambled back up the fire escape and squeezed himself through the narrow second floor window and into the room.

“Ketchup?” Elena asked, eying the bottle clutched in his hand, “Are you sure they won’t know?”

“I’m kinda countin’ on them being too concerned about me to look too closely. It’s all I could get on such short notice… It’s barely 6 am, ya know. Next to nothin’s open yet. Besides, what are they going to do? Taste it to see if it’s real?”

“I guess you have a point… Shall we then?” she asked, holding up her gun. Reno laughed quietly and nodded.

---

“Think we should check on them?” Rude asked. Tseng was silent for a moment. Normally, his natural patience would have allowed him to sit contentedly in that room all day awaiting the perfect opportunity… but Elena and Reno had been too quiet for too long. Something didn’t sit right, and it was making him edgy. He nodded.

“Perhaps we’ve taken this far enough. Let’s…” he was interrupted by a loud crash from across the hall.

“You bastard!” screamed Elena’s voice, muffled only slightly by the thin walls of the hotel. Another crash.

” ‘Lena… Put it down…” Reno’s voice this time, his tone worried. Whatever was going on, he was on the defensive. A third crash followed by a sharp cry of pain.

“How could you take advantage of me like that?!” Elena shrieked. The sound of a body colliding with a solid wall.

“No! Elena, don’t!” The sharp report of a gunshot and then a second. The sound of glass breaking.

“Get back here, Reno, you sack of shit!” And then silence. At the first sound of gunfire, Tseng and Rude had been on their feet, running for the hallway. By the time they’d reached the door opposite them, not a sound could be heard from within the other room. Tseng decided to forgo the room key, and the door yielded easily to his shoulder as he forced his way inside, his co-conspirator not far behind. The two men stopped mid-stride, taking in the shattered furniture, the broken window… and the red stains on the carpet and windowsill. Without a word, they turned back to the door, racing down the stairs and past the front desk, emerging in the alleyway that the window of Elena and Reno’s room faced.

“Which way?” asked Rude. Tseng could hear the concern in his voice and he shared it. If something had happened to either one his Turks because of a stupid joke, he’d never forgive himself.

---

“Ah, gross…” Reno muttered, lifting his hand from a puddle of slime, and trying to wipe it off on the side of the dumpster he was curled up behind. When that failed, he wiped it on his ketchup-covered shirt instead, grimacing, “Why the hell did I even bother with a shower this morning?” That just caused Elena to laugh harder than she already had been.

“You can take another one later. Just get back there and look like you’re dying,” she said.

“Yeah, yeah… Aw, man… I don’t even wanna know what I’m laying in. Well, don’t just stand there laughin’ at me! Hurry up and hide before they track us down!”

Elena nodded and hid herself further down the alley. She fired two more shots into the air, and then sat back to wait for Tseng and Rude.

---

“That way,” Tseng replied, apprehension growing as he turned in the direction of the gunshots. He and Rude ran down the alley, looking for any sign of their fellow-Turks. Tseng frowned as they came upon a bright red handprint on the side of a dumpster, fearing the worst.

‘This is my fault,’ thought Tseng, ‘I never should have agreed to this…’

Tseng crept cautiously to the back of the dumpster, coming upon a sight that made his blood freeze in his veins. Reno was sprawled awkwardly in the narrow space, propped up against a pile of trash bags, a bright red stain spreading over the shirt that covered his chest.

“Rude… Back here,” he called, feeling his throat constrict as he crouched down beside his second in command. The younger man’s eyes were closed tight, and his breathing was barely noticeable. He reached down to lift the slender redhead.

“Help me get him out of here,” Tseng said, turning back towards Rude.

That was the moment Reno had been waiting for. His eyes snapped open as his hand leveled the plastic ketchup bottle at his partner and the Turk leader. By the time the two men realized what was happening, it was too late. Neither could react in time in so confined a space to avoid the spray of red liquid that spattered them as Reno squeezed down on the bottle. Tseng took the most direct hit from the first volley, and Rude hurriedly backed up a few steps looking for cover, only to be shoved forward from behind… directly into the path of the second wave of ketchup. Reno didn’t let up until he’d emptied the bottle. Musical laughter could be heard from the main stretch of the alley.

“…” Rude looked down at his suit. Tseng shook his head and sighed, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and wiping the worst of the mess from his face.

“I suppose we deserved that,” he said. He grimaced slightly, taking in the condition of his normally immaculate clothing.

“… You had us worried,” Rude commented, looking pointedly at Reno.

“Yeah? Well, you two assholes scared the living hell out of me and ‘Lena this morning,” Reno replied, pulling himself to his feet by way of Tseng’s proffered hand, “This was your idea, wasn’t it Rude?” he added. Rude nodded.

“You’re fuckin’ evil, partner,” Reno said as he clapped him on the back, grinning ear to ear, “Good one.”

“Dare I hope that we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today?” Tseng questioned, pivoting slightly to look back at Elena as well.

“Well, I, for one, learned that you’re just as warped as Rude here, when ya wanna be, Boss,” Reno replied, innocently.

“That’s not quite what I meant, Reno.”

“Don’t worry, sir. Reno and I have called a truce. No more pranks. Right, Reno?” said Elena.

“Right,” Reno replied, sounding a little disappointed at the prospect, “It’s not fair that you came out of this without a single drop of ketchup on you, though…”

“Just my luck, I guess…” Elena said, smiling, “And since that bottle’s empty, I guess I’ll just have to stay clean.”

Rude studied Elena for a moment, and before she could fathom what he intended, he had wrapped his ketchup-covered arms around her in a hug, physically lifting her off the ground as he did so to prevent her from escaping. Elena squealed and tried to get away, but Rude’s grip was ironclad, and he didn’t release her until he was satisfied that she matched the rest of the team.

“Ha! That’s much better!” Reno said, draping an arm over Elena’s shoulders and adding his own finishing touches.

Elena shoved him away, “Eew! Reno, don’t get your gutter slime all over me! Ugh… You reek…” Tseng chuckled lightly.

“I think we should all go home, wash up, and change into some clean clothes,” Tseng said, “If we hurry, we can make it into the office just in time to be late.”

“Sounds good to me,” Reno agreed as they headed off down the alley, “Oh…um… That reminds me. ‘Lena?”

“Yeah, Reno?”

“Since we have an official ceasefire, I guess should probably warn you… um… unless you really like lime Jell-O, you might wanna get in touch with a plumber…”

“W-what?! Reno! What did you do?!”

“Oh, crap…” Reno’s eyes widened, and he turned, sprinting away from the group. Elena hesitated only a moment before taking off after him in hot pursuit.

“What do you think she’ll do if she catches him?” asked Rude.

“How many bullets does she have left?” Tseng replied.

-fin-