Fractured Fairy Tales
Tale 3: The Tale of Rupunzelstiltskin
*Reno peeks out from behind the curtains at the Gold Saucer*
Reno: *steps out onto the stage* Good evening gentles and ladymen! Welcome to our show…
*he jumps to his left as a tomato flies toward him and splatters against the backdrop*
Reno: Our previous show received such amazing reviews… after I sorted out all the bad ones… that our writing staff… that would be me… has worked long and hard to bring you tonight’s story. Well, actually I wrote most of it on the ride over here… But it’s great, I promise!
*several members of the audience attempt to sneak out of the Event Square*
Reno: And for those of you who are thinking of walking out early, I s’pose I ought to warn ya… all the doors are locked and as an extra precaution, a moderate electrical charge is running through them… Probably won’t kill ya, but…
*the lights suddenly flicker and a loud crackle fills the air as some brave soul attempts to flee, despite the Turk’s warning*
Reno: *cringes* Ouch… That’s gotta sting… Anyway, I now present my latest masterpiece… “The Tale of Rupunzelstiltskin”!
*the audience groans loudly as the curtain goes up, revealing Aeris standing center stage wearing a long blond wig*
Reno: *takes his usual narrating position* Once upon a time, there was a beautiful maiden named Rupunzelstiltskin. Man, that’s the worst name yet… Anyways, Rupunzelstiltskin was the most beautiful maiden in the kingdom, but she was also the most unhappy.
Aeris: *sniffles* Oh why must my life be so miserable?! *dramatic pause* WHY?! Oh, why! *buries her face in her hands and sobs*
*gagging can be heard offstage*
Reno: Riiiight… Um, the reason she was so sad was because she had horribly long hair. It was so long that she was always tripping on it. Her medical bills were huge, and she’d had to take out a loan on her house to pay them, cuz Odin knows her pathetic excuse for an HMO wasn’t about to offer any assistance…
*Aeris tries to walk across the stage, but really does trip on her wig, causing her to fall flat on her face*
Reno: *snickers* And to make matters worse, people were always trying to climb up her hair, too… Needless to say, this was murder on her poor scalp.
Aeris: *finally untangles herself from her “hair” and climbs to her feet* Oh, woe is me!
Reno: But one day, a handsome prince came to see Rupunzelstiltskin and made her an offer.
Cloud: *steps out on stage* Rupunzelstiltskin, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I want to marry you… But first, you have to spin a tower full of straw into gold.
Aeris: *snuggles up to Cloud* Oh, but why must I spin straw into gold? Can’t we just get married?
Cloud: *shrugs* Sorry… I didn’t write the play…
Aeris: Oh…
Reno: So the prince took Rupunzelstiltskin to the tower and locked her in.
*a new backdrop plummets from the ceiling, missing Aeris by mere inches*
Tifa: *up on the catwalk* Oops… *smiles innocently*
Reno: And I thought that damned stuffed moogle was bad…
Aeris: *shaken* Oh… W-what am I to do? I want to marry the prince, but I know not how to spin yonder straw into gold… *begins to walk toward to audience to continue her monologue* Oh, if only someone would h… *trips on her wig again* …heLPPPP ME! *tumbles off the stage*
*laughter is heard from up on the catwalk*
Reno: Maaaaaybe the wig was a bit much after all… Um… So yeah, Rupunzelstiltskin sat all alone in the tower, wondering what she could possibly do. Man, I wish I could spin straw into gold. Just think of all the booze that’d buy… Hell, forget that! I could just buy my own private bar… Topless waitresses… good liquor, none of the cheap stuff… Mine! All mine!
*crickets chirp*
Reno: Uh… Nevermind.
*Aeris untangles herself from her fake hair once again and climbs back onstage, only to be knocked to the floor by Cait Sith as he bounds onto the stage*
Cait Sith: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
*he waves his arms around frantically*
Aeris: Huh?
Reno: *smacks himself in the forehead* Wrong play! We’re not doing Kentucky Fried Chicken Little for another three weeks!… Stupid puppet…
Cait Sith: Oh… Sorry… *bounces offstage*
Reno: Does anyone remember where we were?
*Marlene tugs on Reno’s jacket*
Marlene: She was s’posed to spin the straw into gold!
Reno: Oh yeah! Thanks, kid… So like I was sayin’, Rupunzelstiltskin sat all alone in the tower with the huge pile of straw, wondering how she could ever spin it all into gold and marry her prince. Just when she was sure she was doomed to a solitary life, a funny little man appeared.
*Sephiroth walks out onstage, looking annoyed*
Sephiroth: I am neither “funny” nor “little”.
Aeris: Oh! A funny little man! Have you come to help me?!
Sephiroth: *looks at his far-too-chipper co-star* Didn’t I kill you?
Reno: Just say the lines like I wrote ’em!
Sephiroth: I would hardly call this pathetic display “writing”… A wild chocobo with a typewriter could come up with a better play than this mess…
Reno: Say the lines, or you-know-who is going to receive some very interesting photos of a certain silver-haired villain…
Sephiroth: *mutters something under his breath* Fine… Yes, oh beautiful maiden. I have come to help you. I will spin the straw into gold, but in return, you must give me your first-born child.
Aeris: Well… Ok, I guess that’s fair.
Reno: So the funny little man spun the straw into gold, and in the morning, he vanished just as suddenly as he’d appeared. *Sephiroth stomps offstage* And then the prince showed up…
Cloud: *walks out* Well, you did it, so I guess we can get married now.
Reno: So they got married and lived happily ever after… *pauses* Ha! Just kidding! They lived happily for ’bout a year, ’til the prince got Rupunzelstiltskin knocked up and she had their first kid.
*a new backdrop depicting a room in a castle careens down onto the stage, and Aeris dives out of the way to avoid being crushed*
Aeris: Hey!
Tifa: *on the catwalk* Sorry again!
Reno: Maybe I should’ve put Rude up there…
*Marlene walks out onstage*
Marlene: Am I on now, Mr. Reno?
Reno: Uh… Oh yeah. So Rupunzelstiltskin gave birth to their first kid, a little girl named…
Marlene: Marlene!
Reno: Ok, sure… named Marlene… *mutters* I thought this kid was supposed to be shy… *ahem* And Rupunzelstiltskin started to worry about the deal she’d made with the funny little man.
Aeris: *to Cloud* Oh, I’m so worried…
*Cait Sith bounds out onto the stage again, nearly trampling Cloud*
Cait Sith: Luke… I am your father!
Reno: Uh… No… We’re not doing Star Whores until…
Elena: *offstage* … Hell freezes over!!!
Reno: Heh… We’ll see about that… Cait, get off the stage!
*Cait Sith wanders away, sadly*
Reno: Anyway, it wasn’t long before the funny little man appeared.
*nothing happens*
Reno: I said, the FUNNY LITTLE MAN APPEARED!
*still no funny little man*
Reno: Hey, Cloud… I got some pictures I wanna show ya!
*Sephiroth storms onto the stage*
Sephiroth: Happy?!
Reno: Now say your line…
Sephiroth: *grumbles* I have come for your first-born child.
*a loud crackle of electricity is heard from the back of the theater as another audience member tries to escape… or commit suicide… one of the two*
Reno: *shakes head* I warned you people earlier about that… Anyway, back to the story…
Aeris: No! You can’t have my baby! *grab Marlene and hugs her tight*
Marlene: Can’t… Breath…
Sephiroth: *none-too-enthusiastic* She’s mine. Give her to me.
Aeris: No! I refuse! You will never have my baby!
Cloud: What’s going on here? Who is this funny little man?
*Cait Sith suddenly swings across the stage on a rope, yelling like Tarzan*
Audience: Wrong play!!!
Cait Sith: *now offstage* Sorry!
Reno: Someone lock him up until after the show! So yeah, the funny little man was a little pissed off at not getting what he was promised… but he was a clever guy, so he decided to make Rupunzelstiltskin another deal.
Sephiroth: Very well… I will give you three days to guess my name. If you can do so, you may keep the child.
Marlene: *still in Aeris’ deathgrip* Need… Air…
Reno: So Rupunzelstiltskin started guessing…
Aeris: Is your name Bob?
Sephiroth: Why, yes. Yes it is. *walks offstage*
*Marlene passes out from lack of oxygen*
Reno: And so, the prince, who still didn’t know what the hell was going on, and Rupunzelstiltskin lived…
Cait Sith: *walks out, interrupting* Hey Reno? What are all these pictures of Sephiroth wearing pink bunny pajamas?
Cloud: Huh? This I gotta see!
*the actors crowd around Cait Sith and hysterical laughter ensues*
Sephiroth: *takes a few practice swings with the Masamune* Oh, Reno… I’d like to have a word with you…
Reno: Oh crap… *runs*
*~THE END~*
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Reno: “The End”? Yo, Desha… What the hell do you mean, “The End”? There’s a lunatic chasing me with a REALLY big sword here!
Rufus: You, you, you… What about us? *motions to Yuffie, Barret, Cid, Vincent, Nanaki, Tseng, and Rude, all of whom are sitting around a table, playing cards* We didn’t even get mentioned in this story! *mutters* Even that airhead, Elena, got in one line… I demand recognition! You hear me?! I’m the president! Heads will roll!
Sephiroth: Ah ha! There you are, Turk!
*Tseng and Rude calmly escort the still-ranting president out of harm’s way*
Reno: *backs up* Hello… Guys? Almighty Author Desha?! Psycho with a big sword trying to kill me here…
Barret: Yo, Vinnie… Got any o’ them eights, foo’?
Vincent: … Go fish.
*Reno makes a desperate run for the theater doors while Sephiroth chases after him, laughing maniacally*
*loud electrical crackling and flickering lights followed by a howl of pain as Reno tries to escape*
Sephiroth: … Idiot… *walks away in disgust, leaving Reno in a smoldering heap in the floor*
Reno: Ow…
*somewhere, in front of a computer screen, Desha laughs with fangirlish glee*
-fin-
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