Fractured Fairy Tales
Tale 1: Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs
*Reno fights his way onto the stage at the Gold Saucer, wrestling with the curtains and stepping out, a bottle of tequila in one hand*
Reno: *somewhat drunk* Tonight, for your entertainment, we are proud to present… um… a short play… thing… based on that classic fairy tale, Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs… *takes a swig from the bottle*
Elena: *offstage* Reno, you drunken idiot…. That’s not right!
Reno: Yeah? Well, Desha let me be the narrator, and I say we’re doing Little Red Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs! *sits down on a chair off to one side of the stage*
*The lights dim, and the curtains rise. Elena is onstage dressed in a hooded red cape with a basket on her arm*
Reno: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Little Red Goldilocks. No one really knew why her mother named her that. Everyone thought it was kind of a stupid thing to name a kid. Maybe she lost a bet. Or maybe she was really drunk while she was trying to come up with a name… Or maybe she got kicked in the head by a wild chocobo as a child…
*Elena stands center-stage, tapping her foot impatiently*
Reno: Or maybe it was some weird family name… Or she just wasn’t very creative when it came to names… I’ve known people like that. They come up with the dumbest names. I’ll bet anything that…
*Elena pulls a loaf of stale bread out of her basket and hurls it at Reno, hitting him in the head*
Reno: Ow! Geez… So anyways, Little Red Goldilocks was walking through the woods one day. She was on her way to see her dear sick uncle who lived in the middle of nowhere. Her mother told her not to go because the woods were dangerous, and the family had long ago disowned the uncle anyway. But more importantly, a big, hungry, mean, nasty, rabid, not-very-nice wolf lived in the woods. But Little Red Goldilocks wasn’t very smart, so she packed a basket of goodies and skipped off into the woods.
*Elena begins skipping around the forest scenery on the stage*
Reno: And she skipped, and she skipped, and she skipped, and she skipped… um… and she skipped some more… and she skipped…
*Elena stops skipping*
Elena: Get on with it!
Reno: And she skipped until she realized that she was lost.
Elena: Oh, whatever will I do? I am lost.
Reno: Suddenly, she saw a house made entirely of straws…
*A spotlight comes on, illuminating the left side of the stage where a large mound of drinking straws have been glued together in a shape vaguely resembling a house… if you squinted really hard… and used your imagination… and had had a couple of drinks beforehand…*
Elena: *under her breath* Oh dear lord… *louder* Oh, a house made of… er… straws… I am saved.
Reno: Next to the house, Little Red Goldilocks saw a large pig eating porridge.
*Rude walks onto the stage carrying a bowl and wearing pink plastic pigs’ ears and his sunglasses*
Rude: …
Reno: Little Red Goldilocks thought that maybe the pig would know where her uncle’s house was.
Elena: Oh Mr. Pig… I am lost… Can you tell me where my uncle’s house is? I have to bring this basket of goodies to him right away.
*Rude shrugs*
Reno: Just then, the not-very-nice wolf appeared!
*Sephiroth leaps down from the catwalk above the stage, landing on the house of straws, effectively demolishing it*
Sephiroth: *unenthusiastically* Grrr.
*Elena pokes Sephiroth*
Elena: Why aren’t you in costume?
Sephiroth: I refuse to compromise my dignity by wearing that pathetic excuse for a wolf’s costume.
Reno: The wolf was very hungry after destroying the little pig’s house of straws.
Sephiroth: I’m hungry. Give me your porridge!
Reno: So the pig gave the not-very-nice wolf his porridge, but the porridge was too hot.
*Sephiroth grabs the bowl and takes a bite, making a face of disgust*
Sephiroth: Ugh… Who made this? It tastes like mud…
Tifa: *offstage* Hey! That’s my special recipe you’re talking about!
Reno: Um… yeah… So the not-very-nice wolf decided to eat the pig instead.
Rude: …!
*Rude runs offstage. Sephiroth draws Masamune and chases after him, laughing maniacally*
Reno: Little Red Goldilocks, though she still didn’t have the faintest idea where she was, continued to skip merrily through the woods.
*Elena sighs and begins skipping again*
Reno: Deeper and deeper into the woods she skipped, until she came upon another house, this one made of sticks.
*A spotlight illuminates the right side of the stage where several pounds of popsicle sticks have been taped together in the shape of a mound with a doorway in it*
*Elena smacks herself in the forehead*
Elena: Who the heck is our set designer?
*Tseng crawls out through the “door” of the house wearing fake pig’s ears*
Tseng: Her… *points to little Marlene who is sitting on Reno’s lap, watching the play*
Reno: At this house, Little Red Goldilocks met another pig. She hoped that he could tell her how to get to her uncle’s house.
Elena: Oh please help me! I am lost. I have to take this basket of goodies to my uncle’s house. *edges closer to Tseng*
Tseng: Well, it’s simple… All you have to do to get to your uncle’s house is…
*Sephiroth leaps down from the catwalk, landing on the popsicle stick house, destroying it*
Sephiroth: Mwa ha ha!
Reno: Um… then apparently the not-very-nice wolf showed up looking for more food…
Marlene: *sniffle* He broke my house…
Tseng: Is it just me, or is the play getting progressively worse?
Reno: It’s just you. So the not-very-nice wolf walked up to the pig and demanded that he hand over his porridge or be eaten.
Sephiroth: *walks up to Tseng* What he said.
Tseng: Tifa wouldn’t make any more after you said the last bowl tasted like mud. She said that if you didn’t like it, you could just go hungry.
Sephiroth: *shrugs* Oh well… *draws Masamune and chases Tseng offstage, laughing maniacally*
Elena: Please tell me that this is almost over…
Reno: Since she didn’t know what else to do, Little Red Goldilocks continued skipping through the woods until she came to an inn made of industrial strength rubber bands and tin foil.
*A small curtain near the back of the stage rises, revealing the “inn”*
Elena: Uh… Shouldn’t it be made of bricks?
Reno: We didn’t have any bricks.
Elena: I think I feel a headache coming on…
Reno: By now, Little Red Goldilocks was very tired from all the skipping she’d done that day, so she decided to rest at the inn for a little while.
*Palmer steps out from behind the inn, dressed in a pig suit and eating something from a bowl*
Reno: Wow… Now that’s a convincing pig…
Elena: I thought Tifa wasn’t going to make any more porridge…
Palmer: Oh, this isn’t porridge… It’s lard.
*Elena smacks herself in the forehead*
Reno: Um… So Little Red Goldilocks asked the pig if she could rest.
Elena: Can I rest at your inn for awhile?
Palmer: Sure! Make yourself at home… Care for some lard?
Reno: Suddenly, the not-very-nice wolf appeared, looking for still more food.
*Sephiroth leaps down from the catwalk, and lands on the rubber band and tin foil “inn” laughing maniacally… and is catapulted right back up, straight through the ceiling of the theater*
Reno: *sweatdrops* There goes our deposit… *ahem* So Little Red Goldilocks went into the inn to take a well-deserved nap.
*Elena hesitantly walks into the “inn”*
Reno: The first bed she tried was too hard.
*Palmer wanders offstage, happily eating his lard*
Reno: The second bed she tried was too soft. The last bed was just too lumpy, so she decided to forget about napping and keep looking for her uncle’s house.
Elena: Wait a minute… Isn’t the last bed supposed to be “just right”?
Reno: Who’s telling this story? You or me?
Elena: Fine… Let’s just move on…
Reno: So Little Red Goldilocks kept right on skipping through the woods.
*Aeris swings out over the stage dressed like a fairy and suspended from a wire*
Aeris: Greetings Little Red Goldilocks! I am your fairy stepsister!
Elena: Fairy… stepsister?
Aeris: Hey, I didn’t write the play… Anyway, I’m here to help you find your way to your uncle’s house.
Elena: Thank god… That must mean it’s almost over…
Reno: So Little Red Goldilocks followed her fairy stepsister deep into the woods, and after awhile they came to a small cottage in the middle of nowhere.
Elena: Yay. It’s my uncle’s house. Now I can give him this basket of goodies.
*The curtain comes down and shuffling can be heard onstage as everyone acts quickly to change the scenery. The curtain rises showing the inside of the house. Nanaki is in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin*
Reno: Little did Little Red Goldilocks and her fairy stepsister know, the not-very-nice wolf had already eaten her uncle and now had disguised himself in order to get the basket of goodies.
Nanaki: Little Red Goldilocks? Is that you?
Elena: Yes dear uncle. It’s me… and my… um… fairy stepsister. And I’ve brought you a basket of goodies.
*Aeris waves to Nanaki, but suddenly is swung wildly around the stage, crashing into one of the walls of the house in the process. The wire snaps and she is hurled offstage*
Cait Sith: *looking down from the catwalk* Sorry about that… Technical difficulties…
Reno: Once the fairy stepsister was gone, Little Red Goldilocks walked up to her uncle’s bed.
Elena: Wait… I thought Sephiroth was supposed to be playing the wolf.
Nanaki: He was… But the last we heard, the rubber band inn launched him all the way to Mideel.
Reno: *ahem* Can we get back to the story?
Elena: Oh, right… Uncle, what big eyes you have…
Nanaki: The better to see you with, my dear.
Elena: But uncle… What a big nose you have…
Nanaki: It’s not that big… *covers his nose with a paw*
Elena: And what big ears you have…
Nanaki: It’s a family trait! Stop making fun of me! *pouts*
Reno: The not-very-nice wolf realized that his plan had failed, and if he wanted the basket of goodies, he’d just have to eat Little Red Goldilocks.
Nanaki: *leaps from the bed and pounces on Elena* Grrr!
*Marlene, who is still sitting on Reno’s lap, screams in fright and clings to Reno for protection*
Marlene: He’s gonna eat her!!! *sobs*
*Barret walks out and pries Marlene off of Reno*
Barret: Don’t worry, Marlene… He’s jes actin’. *walks away with Marlene, muttering* Damn foo’s, puttin’ on a show that scares little kids…
*A frog hops out on stage*
Reno: *sweatdrops* Okay… Uh… Just then, a frog hopped into the room…
Elena: A frog?!
Reno: Followed by a brave woodcutter.
*Cloud walks out on stage dressed as a wood cutter*
Cloud: Ah ha! I knew following that frog would be a good idea! Alright, you not-very-nice wolf…
Cid: *shoves Cloud aside* Let the girl go, you @&#*&#$ wolf!
Cloud: *whining* This is my scene!
Cid: #@*&… You always get to be the big hero… It’s my turn!
Cloud: What?!
Cid: You heard me!
*Cloud and Cid raise their weapons and run at each other. Their fight ranges all over the stage until at last they move off behind the curtains still locked in battle*
Reno: Great… Now who’s gonna save the day?
*Rufus walks calmly out on stage, flips his hair back, and aims his shotgun at Nanaki*
Nanaki: Very well… I can see I’m not wanted here… *walks offstage in a huff*
*Elena gets up and dusts herself off*
Elena: Oh, thank you for saving me from the not-very nice wolf… and from this story…
Rufus: You can thank me by working overtime next week. *walks offstage*
Reno: And so, Little Red Goldilocks… *is suddenly interrupted by Yuffie running onto the stage*
Yuffie: *picks up the frog as it tries to hop away* See? I told you I’d find one… *holds up a Maiden’s Kiss* You’ll be back to normal in no time.
*Yuffie uses the Maiden’s Kiss on the frog, and it turns into Vincent*
Vincent: …
Yuffie: You could at least say thank you.
Vincent: Thank you… Now give me back my Transform materia, you little thief!
Yuffie: *innocently* What Transform materia?
*Vincent transforms into Chaos and growls at Yuffie*
Yuffie: Eep… *runs away*
*Vincent chases after her*
Elena: Please tell me this is over…
Reno: Um… And everyone lived happily ever after… Except for the not-very-nice wolf, and the two pigs who were eaten, and Little Red Goldilocks’ uncle… Hmm… Actually, I guess no one really lived happily ever after… Well, maybe that third little pig, but other than that…
*Elena glares murderously at Reno*
Reno: Uh… heh… The end?
*The curtain comes down*
———-
*The Almighty Author, Desha, walks up to Reno*
Desha: Remind me never to let you have control of the story ever again, Reno…
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