Fractured Fairy Tales
Tale 2: Rindercella and the Prince
*Reno steps out onto the stage at the Gold Saucer’s Event Square*
Reno: Good evening and welcome to the show! So how’s everyone doing tonight?… Good, good… Well, despite the minor damage caused during our last performance… and the fact that Desha, our esteemed author, vowed she’d never give me creative license again… my little acting troupe and I have been graciously invited back for an encore performance… *he glances at the front row where both Dio and the aforementioned “esteemed author” are restrained and gagged, guarded by two heavily armed Shin-Ra soldiers* Tonight, we bring you that classic tale, “Rindercella”…
Guy in the audience: That’s “Cinderella”, you idiot! Get off the stage and get us some real entertainment!
*the rest of the audience boos and hisses in agreement*
Reno: *draws his gun and takes aim at the heckler* If I say it’s “Rindercella”, then dammit it’s “Rindercella”… Are we clear?
*the audience goes silent*
Reno: Good. *sits down stage left on a conveniently placed stool* And now, the story of Rindercella… as told by me. Oh, and with a tiny bit of help from a few other people…
*the curtain goes up, and we see Tifa dressed in rags and scrubbing the floor*
Reno: Once upon a time, there was this girl named Rindercella… I swear these fairy tale people are on somethin’… Just look at the names they give their kids… I mean come on. Snow White? Little Red Goldilocks? Who comes up with this stuff? They never have normal names. Has anyone ever heard of a princess named… oh, say… Edna? I know I haven’t… ‘Course I don’t think I’ve ever even met any one named Edna either. Any Edna’s out there in the audience? Come on, don’t be shy!
*a scrub brush sails through the air and smacks Reno in the head*
Reno: Ow! *glares at Tifa* You can be replaced, ya know… Elena’d take on this roll in a heartbeat!
Elena: *offstage* Not on your life, Reno!
Reno: *rubs head* So anyway… Rindercella lived with her mean, nasty stepmother, and her two ugly, socially-inept stepsisters.
Aeris: *walks out on stage* Oh stepdaughter, dear… get up off of the floor… We’ve all been invited to the prince’s ball. I think the prince might just fall in love with you if you go… You’re just so lovely… I’ve even bought you a new dress!
Reno: Hey… That’s not right…
Tifa: *whispers* Aeris… You’re supposed to be mean and nasty!
Aeris: I am? Oh! I am! Er… uh… Ha! Gotcha! Hee hee hee… You really thought I was going to let you go, didn’t you? Well, think again, missy! One of my precious angels will marry the prince… Not you!
*Yuffie and Barret join them onstage*
Yuffie: Yeah!
Barret: *glares at Reno* Yo foo’! Why am I a girl? You didn’t say anything ’bout me playin’ a girl!
*Reno shrugs*
Tifa: Oh you are the cruelest people in all the land!
Yuffie: Deal with it Rindercella!
Reno: *now talking to a good-looking blond woman in the front row* So what d’ya say? You, me, a quick dinner, and then back to my room at the Ghost Hotel? I’ve got the Executioner’s Suite…
Tifa: *clears her throat loudly*
Reno: Huh? Oh, right… The play. Rindercella was very sad that her stepmother wasn’t going to let her go to the ball, cuz she thought the prince was hot…
Tifa: *to Barret* We are getting paid for this, right?
Barret: Not enough…
*Aeris, Yuffie, and Barret leave*
Tifa: *sighs* Oh, woe is me… If I do not go to the ball, surely I shall never marry the prince.
Reno: So Rindercella sat down by the fireplace and started to cry.
*Tifa begins to sob loudly*
Reno: But suddenly, a funny little man flew into the room!
Cloud: *swings across the stage on a wire* AHHHHHHHH!!! *slams into the background scenery*
Cait Sith: *up on the catwalk* Sorry!
Reno: Damn. That had to hurt.
*Tifa pokes Cloud*
Cloud: *groans*
Reno: When Rindercella saw the funny little man, she knew immediately that he’d come to help her.
Tifa: Um… I’m saved?
Reno: He told her that if she spun some straw into lead and clicked her heels together three times, he would grant her one wish.
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: *weakly* Is there a doctor in the house?
Reno: So naturally, Rindercella decided to do just that. But since she didn’t really know how to spin straw into lead, she had to buy some from the miller down the road.
Tifa: Now wait a second…
Reno: But she had no money, so she stole her nasty old stepmother’s prized cow and traded it for some magic raisins…
Tifa: What are you talking about?!
Reno: … which she planted in the garden so that they would grow into a magical money tree!
Tifa: Hold it!
Reno: What?
Tifa: There is nothing in this story about cows and raisins and magic money trees!
Reno: There isn’t? Oh… Hmm… Well in that case, the funny little man – who’s probably suffering from a mild concussion at this point – made Rindercella a deal.
Cloud: *moans and sits up* I’ll help you marry the prince if you get me some aspirin… *rubs head*
Tifa: Um… Ok…
Reno: So Rindercella gave the funny little man a bottle of aspirin.
*Cloud is just about to take the bottle Tifa is holding out to him when suddenly, the wire he flew in on hauls him into the air and hurls him offstage*
Cloud: AHHH!!! Not again! *a loud crash is heard backstage*
Cait Sith: *up on the catwalk* My bad!
Reno: I really should find someone else to handle the special effects…
Tifa: Well? Now what?
Reno: *whispers* Improvise… I’ll be right back! *runs offstage*
Tifa: Hey, wait! I… *looks out at the audience* Uh… Oh, woe is me… again… I still cannot go to the ball and that funny little man is probably going to have to be hospitalized… *looks around frantically for Reno* Whatever shall I do? Poor me… Poor, poor me. I have no one to turn to… *under her breath* … and no one to narrate from me, either.
Reno: *still offstage* Just when Rindercella thought it was hopeless, her fairy godmother appeared!
*Tifa waits from someone to join her onstage*
Reno: I said “Her fairy godmother appeared”!
*there is the sound of a brief struggle, and then Tseng is shoved out onto the stage*
Tseng: *holding a “magic wand” and wearing a pink bow in his hair* Rest assured, Reno, that you will pay for this…
Reno: *resumes his seat* So the fairy godmother told Rindercella that she was there to help.
Tseng: Fine… If it will get the fiasco over with… I’m here to help.
Tifa: *looks at the comically large bow* Pink is definitely not your color…
Tseng: *frowns* Do you want to get to the ball or not?… and keep in mind that if you don’t say yes, this play could go on all night…
Tifa: Oh dear lord… Uh… Yes, please fairy… godmother… take me to the ball so that I can marry the prince…
Reno: So the fairy godmother waved her magic wand and a beautiful dress and a pair of glass slippers appeared.
Cid: Hey! Turk! Here… *tosses a dress and a pair of shoes to Tseng and slips backstage again*
Tseng: *hands them over to Tifa* There… Go to the ball.
Reno: But Rindercella still couldn’t go… *pauses as Tifa, Tseng, and everyone in the audience collectively groan* … because she didn’t have any way to get to the palace.
Tseng: Speed it up, Reno… Or I’m assigning you to be Heidegger’s personal assistant for the next month.
Reno: *gulps and tears the next twelve pages out of the script* So the fairy godmother called Rindercella a cab…
*the curtain comes down and Nanaki walks out with Marlene riding on his back holding an “Intermission” sign*
~*ten minutes later*~
Reno: *walks out and waves to the audience* Ok… so to recap… Rindercella, nasty old stepmother, weird guy on a rope flies in and ends up in a coma, extremely unattractive fairy godmother waves her magic wand and Rindercella’s off to the ball. Everyone got that?
Audience: Get on with it!
*the curtain goes up and Reno sits down to narrate. Yuffie is dancing to non-existent music with Vincent… and subtly stealing the materia in his armor… Aeris is standing off to one side, while Barret and Tseng reluctantly dance together, as Tifa steps out onstage*
Reno: So Rindercella arrived at the prince’s palace in her beautiful new dress.
Tifa: Oh, what a beautiful ball! I wonder where the prince is?
Tseng: If he has even an ounce of sanity, he’s as far away from here as he can get…
*Sephiroth walks out on stage, dressed as a prince*
Tifa: Well, we all knew Sephy was nuts…
Sephiroth: *overdramatically* Oh where is the woman I shall spend the rest of my life with? One of these lovely young maidens must be the one!
Reno: Rindercella saw her chance. She knew that if she was ever going to marry the prince, she had to get his attention.
Tifa: *rushes over to Sephiroth and grabs him by the arm* Oh, your highness… I have secretly loved you for years! Please, marry me and take me away from my horrible life! *looks pointedly at Reno*
*Sephiroth is about to reply when Rufus charges onto the stage dressed in a nearly identical prince’s costume*
Rufus: That is not the prince! I am the prince! That man is an impostor!
Tseng: Sir, what are you doing? This disaster is almost over…
Rufus: I’m richer, more powerful, and better looking than *this* science experiment gone wrong… I should be the prince!
Tseng: Sir… I really don’t think you should…
Rufus: *draws his shotgun* Off my stage, Jenova-boy!
Sephiroth: You do realize I’ll have to kill you now… *draws Masamune*
Rufus: Oh hell…
*Sephiroth chases Rufus off the stage, and shrieks of terror can be heard from behind the curtains*
Reno: Bring out the prince’s understudy!
*Rude walks out onstage*
Rude: …
Tifa: *rushes over to Rude* Oh, my prince… You have such a way with words…
Rude: … *blushes*
Tifa: Let’s get married.
Reno: Just then, the clock struck thirteen, and Rindercella knew that her beautiful dress was about to disappear, leaving her naked and humiliated in the middle of the party… so she ran home as fast as she could.
Tifa: Dammit! *starts to run, but one of her glass slippers shatters* Ow! Ow! Oh, that hurts! Reno, you idiot! Why did you use real glass slippers?! *limps offstage, leaving behind a trail of glass shards and blood… Rude follows to help*
Reno: Oops… Oh well…
Rufus: *screams as Sephiroth flings him effortlessly into the audience*
Sephiroth: Now, where was I?
Barret: You were just about to brutally murder the foo’ with the red hair…
Reno: *nervously* No, no, no… The prince saw the trail that Rindercella left behind and followed it to her house.
*Sephiroth shrugs and walks offstage*
Vincent: *catches Yuffie trying to swipe his Contain materia and glares* He located her with relative ease and they lived happily ever after… while one of Rindercella’s stepsisters was punished severely for theft… The end.
*the audience cheers*
Reno: Hey! You can’t say “the end”! I have to say “the end”!
*Tseng, Aeris, Yuffie, Barret, and Vincent walk offstage, pointedly ignoring Reno*
Reno: I’m the narrator, dammit! Get back out here, all of you!
*the audience starts to leave as well, and the Shin-Ra guards carry Dio and the author out*
Reno: Where do you people think you’re going?! This play isn’t over until I say it’s over!
*the lights in the now-empty Event Square go out, leaving Reno alone on the darkened stage*
Reno: Hmph… Some people just don’t know artistic genius when they see it…
-fin-
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