Desha's Reno of the Turks Fan Fiction

Chapter 66: Catharsis

“Can you see anything?”

Rude grunted noncommittally and carefully made his way back down to the deck from the little crow’s nest.

“Well?” Remy asked, impatiently. Rude shook his head.

“Nothing.”

The senior Turk scowled and, glaring at the aging fishing vessel.

“This Leviathan-be-damned boat is just too slow!” she growled, annoyed. They’d managed to tail the speed boat – at a sizable distance – for several miles the first night, but ultimately had fallen too far behind to continue. That had led to a day of frantic searching and yet another night on the water, feeling utterly defeated. A stroke of good fortune, however, had allowed their paths to cross later the next morning, and the chase had resumed. Their luck had finally run out, however, near the Wutaiian capital city. The Zenshou’s boat had slipped into the heavy traffic shuttling to and from the docks, and they’d vanished again.

He and Remy had spent the last three hours trying to locate them again. They were running on very little sleep and hadn’t eaten since they’d left the little fishing village up the coast, two nights ago.

Remy sighed heavily. “I… suppose we should head back. Try and pick up the trail again back where we started.”

“…”

She cocked an eyebrow.

“You have a better suggestion?” she queried.

“Neither of us have slept,” Rude replied, “And I don’t know about you, but I think I’m finally starting to understand how Reno can eat lunch for three people without batting an eye. We need to stop and take a break.”

“And meanwhile, the Zenshou are moving farther and farther away,” Remy replied, shaking her head.

“… Finding them again isn’t going to do us any good if we pass out from exhaustion.” That had been one of Tres’ most important rules. Never go into the field tired. If you weren’t at a hundred percent, you would be easily distracted. If you were distracted, you’d inevitably end up making a mistake… and mistakes could be deadly. “Besides… we can head back to their safehouse any time. If they have business to conduct here, they probably won’t conduct it in daylight. They wait until nightfall.”

Remy glowered at the shoreline in frustration. “You’re right,” she said, at last. “We’ll… dock and find something to eat, and then we’ll get some sleep and start looking again later this afternoon.”

“Hmph… you find lunch. I’ll call in our report for you. We’re about due, anyway.”

Remy snorted softly. “You just want to find out what’s going on back in Midgar.”

“Only because you never ask,” Rude replied, only half joking. The senior Turk huffed softly, but said nothing, and instead made her way back to the little cabin that housed the fishing boat’s controls to guide them safely to shore, while Rude slipped below deck to make the phone call. It was answered on the second ring.

“Tseng here.”

“Just checking in,” Rude stated without preamble. “We’re just offshore from the capital city, getting ready to dock.”

“And the Zenshou?”

“We followed them this far, but lost them somewhere in the shipping lanes. We’re going to stop for some rest, and then try to pick up the trail again.”

“Understood,” the Turk lieutenant replied. The response was followed by the sounds of a small commotion.

“… Sir?” Rude queried. He heard a quiet snort of amusement on the other end of the line.

“Someone would like to speak to you,” Tseng said, and the phone was quickly passed over to someone else.

“Hey, partner! How’s it goin’?” a familiar voice crowed, and Rude snickered softly.

“Slowly,” Rude deadpanned. “Having fun with the new rookies?”

“Oh, hell yeah. Heh… Kai’s already run ’em through the gauntlet a couple of times now. I think they’re gettin’ to the what the hell was I thinkin’, decidin’ to join the Turks phase. And don’t worry ’bout our office… I’ll totally have it all cleaned up by the time you ‘n Remy get back.“

“… What did you do to our office?” he hesitantly asked.

“… Uh… Nothin’. Just, ya know… forget I said that,” Reno replied, sounding less than innocent, and Rude very distinctly heard Tseng give a somewhat incredulous laugh in the background.

“Reno?” he intoned, a note of warning in his voice.

“Oh, crap… I think I hear the rookies callin’ me. Gotta go, pal!”

“Reno!”

Tseng’s voice replaced the redhead’s on the line, and he heard the Turk lieutenant chuckle softly.

“How bad is it?” Rude asked, cringing.

“It’s… bad,” the senior Turk, replied, very clearly suppressing a laugh. Rude groaned. “Don’t concern yourself overmuch. I’ll see to it that he follows through with that promise to clean. Hopefully, it will be before he loses track of a rookie in the mess… Assuming he hasn’t already. Come to think of it, I’ve yet to see Liam this morning…”

Rude snorted. “That settles it. I’m hiring him a professional organizer for Christmas…”

“I’m not sure even professional intervention will cure Reno of his natural proclivity towards utter chaos in his environment,” Tseng replied, “Keep us informed. And be careful.”

“Yes, sir.”

---

The rookies walked into the Shinra Building’s indoor firing range shortly after the morning briefing… only to find it already occupied. Victor paused for a moment, watching the lone shooter at the far end of the space as he reloaded, took aim and squeezed off several more shots at his target. He turned to their instructor for the morning, curious.

“Sir? Does the vice president practice here a lot?” he asked. Reno grinned slightly and guided the rest of the group over to the lanes. A moment later, the firing ceased.

“Yeah, ya catch him down here every once in awhile,” the redhead said, with a shrug, and in a much louder than needed voice. “He’s almost competent with a firearm these days.”

“I heard that, you obnoxious little cretin…” Rufus Shinra snapped at the Turk.

“And I stand by it, sir,” Reno replied with a wide grin. Rufus rolled his eyes, and with a sneer, made his way over to the weapons lockers, securing his gun and stowing the rest of his equipment.

“I suppose this little ragtag collection of imbeciles of yours can do better?” he answered, smirking.

“You gonna stick around ‘n find out, sir?” the redhead retorted, still grinning.

Rufus scoffed loudly. “Wipe that idiotic grin off of your face for once,” he muttered, “Well? Let’s see how they measure up, then…”

The senior Turk turned towards the assembled group of rookies. Liam and Petra had already selected their preferred lanes and were preparing to start their practice session.

“Well? You heard the V.P. Show ‘im what ya got.”

Victor was quick to obey the order, and Ryu and Zephyr hurried to follow suit. Soon, the range was filled with the sound of gunshots and the smell of powder. Both Reno and the vice president moved slowly along the line, watching for a moment, before moving on to the next shooter… with the redhead occasionally pausing to offer a word of advice or constructive criticism. After several circuits, they paused at the far end, near where Victor was stationed.

“The Wutaiian seems to be struggling a bit…” Rufus commented, just barely loud enough for Victor to hear over his ear protection.

“Ryu’s a materia specialist,” Reno replied, equally loudly to be heard over the noise of the constant firing, “He managed qualify with firearms, but that’s about it. He’s gonna need some work in that area.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Victor saw the executive nod his understanding.

“And the others?”

“Victor spent time in the army. He knows his way around just about any gun ya could name. Zephyr’s no stranger to shooting, either. Grew up in the mountains, accordin’ to her file.”

As if to prove his point, Zephyr, at just that moment calmly set her gun down and recalled her target sheet, studying the grouping for a moment, before replacing it with a fresh target and sending it back to the end of the lane.

The two men continued to watch for several more minutes without further conversation.

“So… all expenses paid, anywhere I want, huh?” the redhead suddenly commented, and Victor subtly glanced back at them for a moment, curious. He saw Rufus blatantly roll his eyes.

“That was the offer, yes. Do try not to drink yourself to death courtesy of my private expense account. I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it from Tseng if you do.”

“Yes, sir,” Reno snickered, and paused for a moment. With that, Rufus cast one final glance at the rookies, and strode out of the range, leaving them to their practice. Victor hurried to look busy before they noticed that he’d been listening in. Reno walked over to him, watching his technique for a moment, but then flashed him a smirk.

“Ya know… somethin’ tells me you ‘n Rude are gonna get along pretty good, soon as he’s back in town. Eavesdroppin’s kinda his thing, too,” he commented with a wink, and then turned his attention on the others.

---

Ryu scowled at his tea, thoroughly annoyed. As if it wasn’t bad enough that he’d had a more off day than usual at the range… it had to happen in the presence of the second highest ranked executive of the Company. He’d heard the snide remarks as the vice president had observed them – or at least he’d heard the ones concerning him, as neither the executive nor the redhead had tried especially hard to keep their voices down as they’d been observing.

When they’d passed by his lane, he’d distinctly heard Rufus remark on his poor grouping… and much to his embarrassment, Reno’d then stepped in and corrected his stance before they’d moved on. He’d been fuming afterwards… and it had effected the entirety of the rest of the session for him. But worse than that, the vice president, again, had transferred much of his disdain for the redhead onto the new members of the team, and Ryu, for one, was getting a little tired of being made to look bad simply for being in the senior Turk’s presence any time he happened to cross paths with with the man.

“Who pissed in your cereal this morning?”

Ryu looked up and rolled his eyes as Victor, coffee in hand, took a seat at the nearby table and cracked his neck, before relaxing a bit. They had a short break before their next training session, and Ryu had been intending to take some time to himself to refocus. It was the whole reason he’dgone to the lounge instead of joining the others in the office he’d been assigned to share with his fellow rookies.

“Excuse me?” he responded, slightly disgusted by the mental image.

“Why the bad mood, Ryu?” Victor chuckled, “You glare at the tea any harder, you’re gonna bring it back to a boil.”

“I don’t particularly enjoy being looked down on, mocked, and derided by management.”

“What? ‘Cause the V.P. was being kind of a jerk on the firing range?” Victor shook his head. “Don’t take that kind of thing so personally, kid…”

“Hmph… easy for you to say. You’ve been training with firearms for years.”

“Yeah… and he probably would’ve given me shit, too, if he hadn’t been talking to Reno by then. Look. I know his type. Met more than a few MPs like that. The guy obviously lives to antagonize.”

Ryu snorted softly. “Lives to antagonize our slum-born trainer, perhaps…”

Victor cocked an eyebrow in curiosity. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

The Wutaiian rookie sat up, turning in his seat to face the other man. He set his tea aside for the moment and folded his hands on his lap.

“It can’t have escaped your notice that Vice President Shinra brings up Reno’s lineage… or distinct lack thereof… virtually every chance he gets. If he regarded him as any more beneath him, even the Slums wouldn’t be deep enoughto contain it,” he replied, somewhat patronizingly. “And frankly… I can understand why. He doesn’t behave anything like a Turk. He behaves like… well, like a slum rat.”

“Judgmental much?” Victor responded. “And since when do you have an issue with people from the Slums, anyway?”

“I don’t have an issue,” Ryu replied, rolling his eyes. “I’m just saying that… Turks are held to a high standard, and the vice president clearly thinks that some of our number don’t meet that standard. I don’t think it wise to end up on the wrong side of an executive, especially so early in our careers, for the sake of making friends.”

Victor laughed. “Yeah, well… something tells me that mindset’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass eventually. But… if you gotta learn the hard way, you gotta learn the hard way.”

He stood up and headed for the door, but thought better of it, and turned back a moment later.

“A word of advice? I learned pretty early on that sucking up to the brass doesn’t mean squat when you’re getting shot at. When the bullets start flying, they’re not going to be the ones who show up to pull you outta the fire. Careful who you decide to just write off, Ryu.”

With that, he turned on his heel and slipped out into the hallway, leaving the younger rookie to consider his words.

---

A knock on the door interrupted the conversation between Liam and Zephyr, and a moment later, the door to the office opened a crack. Victor peered through the opening.

“Got room for one more?” he asked, grinning at the assembly of Turks presently occupying the space. Petra giggled softly and waved him in.

“Sure, but you might have to sit on Sykes’ lap,” she replied, teasingly, “We’re out of chairs.”

The older rookie snickered and walked in, closing the door behind him.

“Hey, Sykes. Enjoying courier duty?” he asked, taking up a position near the senior Turk’s desk. This morning, he’d been dispatched to Fort Condor with replacement parts for the reactor there. Sykes chuckled.

“Actually… I love courier duty. Gets me outta the city for a little while. It’s a nice change of pace.”

“So… I have a question,” Victor said.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“The other day you were saying something about Reno saving the vice president’s life. What’s that all about?”

“Reno almost died,” Liam cut in, eyes wide. “The Zenshou tried to steal the Highwind while we were in Wutai for the new reactor opening, and the vice president caught one of them red handed.”

“Reno took a bullet for him,” Petra continued, “Well… a couple of bullets, actually. It was pretty bad. He was out for weeks, recovering.”

“And from what I hear, it wasn’t the first time Reno’s been directly responsibly for Rufus Shinra not being dead,” Sykes added, “But that was before any of us got promoted, so I don’t really know all the details. Just that it happened during the war.”

“So… why’s the V.P. treat him like such crap all the time, then?” Victor asked. All three of his more senior teammates began to snicker.

“Honestly… if you ever figure that one out, let us know,” Sykes replied, grinning. “All I know for sure is that Reno actually kinda likes Rufus, and Rufus doesn’t hate Reno even half as much as he pretends to.”

“What was it he said, Sykes?” Petra queried, looking as though she was searching her memory for the conversation, “They get along best when they’re kind of being jerks to each other?”

“Something like that, yeah,” Sykes nodded, grinning. “One thing I’ve kinda noticed… Rufus does not like yes-men… and Reno’s about as far from a yes-man as it gets.”

Victor laughed and took a seat on the edge of one of the desks. “Can’t argue that…” he snickered. A knock at the door interrupted the conversation a second time, but this time no one simply walked right in.

“Yes? Come in,” Petra called out, and a moment later the door opened, admitting Tseng… who blinked in surprise upon seeing the overly crowded office, before shaking his head.

“Wouldn’t the lounge be a bit more conducive to socializing?” he asked, clearly amused, and Petra giggled.

“Well, it was just Liam and I, sir…” she explained, “Then Zephyr stopped by to talk, and Sykes got back from his assignment, and then Victor decided to join us, too.”

“Hey! No fair throwing a party without me, my sweet little Turklings…” another voice piped up. Kai was standing on her tip toes to peer over Tseng’s shoulder, and grinning widely at the rookies. The Turk lieutenant rolled his eyes, glancing back at his fellow Turk.

“Not every gathering of three or more people is a party, Kai,” he teasingly replied.

The diminutive Turk merely shrugged. “Yeah, but it could be with a little effort.”

“Did you need something?” Tseng asked, “I was about to give everyone an update on their assignments for the afternoon…”

“Veld’s looking for you. Something about a meeting with the execs.”

“Ah… I see. In that case, barring any abrupt changes in plan that occur in the next few minutes, Liam and Petra… you’ll be with Kai this afternoon, as scheduled. Victor, Zephyr, and Ryu will be joining Reno for a brief tour of Reactor Number 1.”

“Yes, sir,” Victor replied, and Tseng took his leave… leaving Kai behind, grinning happily at the the two senior rookies.

“You know what that means, don’t you my little Turklings?” she asked, “It means you get the gauntlet all to yourselves! Isn’t that great?”

“Terrific…” Liam groaned.

---

Reno grunted softly as he hefted a large stack of files and carried it over to the growing pile next to the filing cabinet on the far side of the room. He still had no idea how things had gotten so out of hand so quickly… but his office had reached the point that even he couldn’t stand it anymore. Which meant there was really only one thing to do. He’d have to clean up his mess.

With a quiet sigh, the redhead swept an armload of pamphlets left over from his tour preparation into the wastebasket… which immediately filled said wastebasket.

“Ugh… seriously?” he muttered, as he tried to compact the papers with his foot, without much success.

“Hey, Reno, are you –” Kai’s voice began, as she poked her head inside, only to cut herself off and stare at the younger Turk, for a moment before asking, “Why are you standing in a trash can?”

“It’s how I clean,” he deadpanned, “What’s up?”

Kai stepped into the office snickering and shaking her head. “Tseng and Veld are going to be in a meeting with Heidegger and the President most of the afternoon. They’re heading upstairs now. Veld said that when you get back from the reactor tour, Rufus has summoned you to his office at your earliest inconvenience, and to leave the newbie Turklings with Sykes while you’re gone.”

“… ‘Kay,” the younger Turk replied, shrugging, “He happen say what the brat wants?”

“Nope.”

The redhead eyed her for a moment. “Why the hell are you in such a good mood?”

“Oh, Baby Turkling… I’m always in a good mood on gauntlet day!” she replied with a wide grin.

Reno rolled his eyes and finally got around to pulling his foot out of the wastebasket. He’d damn near forgotten that it was Thursday. The training schedule had kept him so busy all week, half the time he didn’t know whether he was coming or going. He’d kind of be glad when Tseng was off those damn crutches and could get back to some of the more hands on stuff. Not that he didn’t enjoy it, but… it was a lot for one Turk to handle, and all Tseng could do right now was supervise.

“Soooo…” Kai intoned, still grinning at him, “How are you liking your first little taste of command?”

“Tch… the fuck are you talkin’ about? I started trainin’ rookies way before Tseng told me ’bout the whole promotion thing.”

“Yeah… but not on your own. And now you do know. So? How’s it feel?”

“Exhausting. Why the hell do ya think my office looks like this? I’ve been too busy to clean it up,” the redhead replied with a smirk, gesturing to the mess… and drawing a laugh from Kai.

“Well… you’d better get yourself organized soon. Tseng’s practically got being second in command down to a science at this point. You’re gonna have to learn to keep up.”

Reno blinked, and glanced back at his disaster of an office. That… was something he hadn’t really considered. Tseng made it look almost effortless… but there was a lot of coordination involved in making sure that multiple rookies received the training and attention they needed. The redhead had been handling basic scheduling for them for awhile now… but he knew damn well it went way beyond just that.

Kai snickered again, and he turned his attention back on her.

“For the record… you’re going to make a great Second,” she said, “Eventually…”

“Tch… but no pressure or anything, right?” he replied with a huff.

“Oh, Baby Turkling…” she giggled, “If you wanted a job with no pressure, you got yourself into the wrong line of work.”

Reno gave an amused snort. “Yeah. Okay, point taken,” he chuckled. He glanced over at her, hesitating for a moment, before finally shaking his head. “Hey… Kai? You doin’ anything tonight?”

“Not really,” the senior Turk shrugged, “Why?”

“You… wanna have dinner with me?”

“I’m flattered, but like I’ve said before… you’re just not my type,” she replied, in a teasing tone.

“Yeah… I’m still trying to figure out what the hell your type is,” he shot back, “Seriously, though… um… I kinda… wanna talk. About… stuff.”

Kai’s expression softened slightly.

“Mom stuff?” she ventured. Reno let out a somewhat shaky breath and nodded lamely, a little surprised that she’d figured it out so effortlessly. She smirked in response to his slightly puzzled look. “Tseng said you might ask. Meet you at your place after work. I’ll bring the pizza.”

“Great…” the redhead breathed, in a relieved sigh. He’d sort of been dreading even asking… but like he’d told Tseng not that long ago, if he didn’t fucking man up soon and just do it, it was only going to get harder.

“Now… get your ass back to work!” Kai commanded, “That reactor’s not gonna tour itself.”

“Yeah, yeah…” he muttered, rolling his eyes.

---

The remainder of the afternoon went far quicker than Reno would have really liked… even considering the fact that he spent most of it dragging three poor rookies around a Shiva-be-damned mako reactor. The reactors were kind of cool in their own right, but honestly… a person could only stare at a bunch of machinery and control panels for so long before they got sick of it.

It hadn’t exactly helped that Ryu seemed to know the damned thing inside and out, which likely had something to do with the fact that his father worked on the design team down in Reactor Maintenance. Hell, he probably knew more about how the reactors works than any of the senior Turks… and he hadn’t exactly been shy about making that fact readily apparent.

It had been a little irritating to be interrupted by the rookie damn near every time he opened his mouth… but the redhead hadn’t put in and to it. He wasn’t sure yet if the kid was actively trying to show him up, or if he was just trying to make a good impression. All three of them were still trying to find their footing, after all. He couldn’t really fault any of them for wanting to make themselves stand out.

And had it been either of the other two, he might not have even been concerned… but he’d been picking up a strange vibe from the Wutaiian rookie. In some ways, Ryu was a little like another rookie Reno’d had once known. He was a bit of a know-it-all… sometimes to the point of being snobbish about it. He wanted to be respected. To be the best. That sort of mindset… hadn’t exactly turned out so great the last time the redhead had been confronted with it.

For now, Reno wasn’t going to off the rails worrying about it. Most likely, it was just newbie jitters and Ryu would eventually settle down… but that didn’t mean the senior Turk was going to ignore his instincts entirely. If things didn’t improve, he’d have a chat with Tseng and see what his mentor thought they ought to do about it.

And then there had been Rufus to deal with. The brat didn’t really make a habit of summoning him to his office… but the reason for it, at least, hadn’t been much of a shock. Veld was involving the vice president in Tseng’s evaluation, as well. Rufus had wanted to discuss it with him… and Reno had to admit, the brat had had more than a few good ideas to contribute. The whole thing was still very early in the planning stages… but he was confident that they could accomplish what Veld needed them to.

For now, though… he had a dinner date. It wasn’t often Reno felt nervous about having a woman over to his place… but his plans for tonight weren’t exactly his usual, either. When a knock finally sounded on his door, he jumped, not having realized that he was so tightly wound.

He took a calming breath and walked across the room to let Kai in. She greeted him with a grin and a stack of pizza boxes.

“You invite a few more people?” he queried, eyeing the boxes. There were no less than four of them… plus a paper bag on top that almost certainly contained breadsticks.

“The way you eat? I wanted to make sure I actually get some,” she replied, brushing past him to set her load down on the counter that divided his kitchen form his living room. Reno rolled his eyes and shut the door. To be fair… she wasn’t wrong. He could easily finish off two of those on his own and have room for more after giving it a little time to settle. But he had a sneaking suspicion his appetite wasn’t going to be be what it usually was tonight.

He trailed her into the kitchen and grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge, handing one to the senior Turk, before snagging a plate and helping himself to a few slices of pepperoni and mushroom to start himself off.

A few minutes later, they were sitting in his living room, eating in companionable silence.

He really wasn’t sure where to start. He had… questions… for Kai, but somehow he just couldn’t bring himself to ask them.

“So…” Kai began, “What’s on your mind?”

Reno blinked, caught off-guard by the abrupt inquiry. Apparently Kai wasn’t going to waste time dicking around. They were getting straight to the point.

“I just…” he began, staring down at his still largely untouched plate. He sighed heavily and raised his eyes to meet hers. “How the fuck do you do it? Just… tell me what the big secret is. How do you not think about the worst part?”

“I don’t,” Kai replied, smiling faintly. “I think about how my Pop died all the time when I remember him. I think about how I got up early that morning to fix him breakfast, and how I followed him down to the docks and stood there, waving goodbye until the boat was out of sight. And I think about how I waited for him all day to come back and he didn’t. And about how, almost a week later, our neighbor came to tell me that they found pieces of his boat, wrecked and floating offshore. I can’t ever forget that.”

Reno tried to say something… but no words came to him. Kai didn’t seem to mind, though.

“I can’t forget losing Alyssa, either. And… to be honest, I’m not sure I’d actually want to,” she added, “Loss is something we all have to live with, Baby Turkling. You can either let it consume you… or you can embrace it and consume it. I had sixteen terrific years with my Pop and four with Alyssa… and I decided a long time ago that if that was all I was going to get, then I wasn’t going to let losing them taint those memories.”

“How?” he finally managed, looking up at her earnestly. Kai set her plate aside and got up, moving over to sit beside him on the couch, and wrapped an arm around him.

“I wish I could give you an instruction manual, Baby Turkling.” she replied, “But I can’t. Losing people you care about hurts, plain and simple. And with the really special ones, sometimes remembering them hurts, too. You have to accept both the good and the bad and take it as it comes. Usually, the good wins outs… but there are always going to be times when that hurt creeps back in.”

The redhead fell silent again, mulling over her words. That was so easy to say. Doing, it, though… that was the tricky part. He had so few memories of his mother left, to begin with. And the good ones were so… dim… in his mind when he compared them to the morning he’d found her, wrists cut and staring unblinkingly upwards, on the bloody sheets of her bed. How the hell were the good memories ever supposed to win out over that?

“Reno?” Kai prodded, and he turned to look at her. “What happened to her?” she asked, gently, “I know it happened suddenly and you were really little when it did… but Tseng’s never told me the whole story.”

The younger Turk exhaled shakily and ran a hand through his hair.

“She…” he started, and swallowed sharply. “She killed herself. Cut her wrists one night, ‘n when I woke up the next mornin’… it was too late.”

“Oh, Reno…” Kai breathed, pulling him closer.

“I just… I never even knew why. I mean, I can make a pretty good guess… but… I never knew for sure. She didn’t say anything. Didn’t leave a note. Nothin’. She just… put me to bed ‘n waited ’til I fell asleep, ‘n…” He trailed off, not wanting to finished the sentence.

“I found her in bed the next mornin’… ‘n all I can remember feelin’ is absolute terror,” he continued after a long pause and several steadying breaths, “She was all I had in the world. I was alone. I went to bed with a mom, ‘n woke up a goddamned orphan.”

His fists clenched in his lap.

“It’s not fucking fair!” he shouted, suddenly, and very unexpectedly, angrily. “She did it where I’d fucking find her! I was five! You have any idea how bad that fucked me up as a kid? I was five goddamned years old, and she fucking leftme alone in that fucking Ifrit-forsaken hellhole to fend for myself!” He took another shaky breath, trying to calm the building rage, but his hold on it was tenuous at best, as if he’d let something loose that he shouldn’t have. It was much too late to reign it back in now. “I fucking hate her for it…” he hissed, blinking rapidly in an effort to stem the tears that he knew was futile.

He’d never admitted that. Not once in the fifteen years since her death. Not even to himself, really. But now that the words had slipped out, he found that he didn’t want to take them back. He resented the hell out of his mother for abandoning him the way she had. And he felt like shit for it, because… in spite of it, he still loved her anyway.

The first tear fell, and what little resolve he had to hang on to his dignity collapsed. He didn’t care anymore. He was peripherally aware of being pulled into Kai’s arms… of her hands rubbing his back soothingly… which, instead of comforting, only seemed to coerce deep sobs from the younger Turk.

It was as if something inside of him had finally broken. Some wall he’d constructed a very long time ago. He had no idea how long it was before the torrent of emotion finally calmed. For awhile, he really wasn’t fully aware of much of anything at all beyond his own misery. When he finally did come back to himself, he was curled tightly against his fellow Turk’s side, clinging to her in a state of sheer desperation. His head was throbbing unpleasantly, and his eyes burned. He slowly sat up, embarrassed, and tried to untangle himself from her, but she held him fast.

“It’s alright to hate her for it,” Kai whispered, granting him the permission he hadn’t realized he’d needed, and he grudgingly relaxed in her arms, letting her continue to comfort him. “You can love someone with all your heart, and still hate their mistakes… Especially the mistakes that hurt you.”

~end chapter 66~